Critics called “Alone in the Dark” “incomprehensible and murkily photographed,” and Uwe Boll did nothing. Michael Madsen called his film of “Bloodrayne,” in which he acted, “an abomination,” and still he did nothing. Viewers took issue with his suggestion that “Postal” was, as he claimed, a smart and savage satire of our post-9/11 times, and yet again he did nothing. They ignored him almost entirely from 2007 on, except to make a couple jokes about the existence of 2011’s “Blubberella,” and Boll continued to do nothing. All he did was keep on keepin’ on, cranking out films we all assumed ensured the “worst director in the world” trophy remained on his mantle.
But no more. According to our sister publication, Metro Canada, the infamous German director — who once challenged four of his critics to boxing matches and won, in the world’s saddest Pyhrric victory — has called it quits. Should this famously thin-skinned and erratic filmmaker suddenly pull a Jay Z, “Rampage: President Down” will go down in the books as his swan song. Critics will have no one left to kick around anymore, except for Michael Bay, studios that bring us things like “Trolls” and makers of Nicholas Sparks movies.
The world will have no choice but to go back through the Boll catalogue, slowly realizing that we mistreated a visionary. During his life, Alfred Hitchcock was considered a mere entertainer; now his thrillers are taught in graduate school courses. Those ivory tower elitists will one day come around to a guy who began “Alone in the Dark” with an opening text crawl so long and confusing it made the floating, exposition-vomiting heads of “Zardoz” and David Lynch’s“Dune” look like the work of Yasujiro Ozu. These nefarious, sexless snoots, with their noses up in the clouds, will realize that casting Meat Loaf as a hedonistic vampire with a harem played by a real prostitutes (that’s “Bloodrayne”) was a masterstroke. Ditto “In the Name of the King: A Dugeon Siege Tale,” a medieval adventure featuring Burt Reynolds.
Failing that, Boll still has the public, who’ve mostly ignored his films, even the many based on popular video games. Surely the people love shots so haphazard they’re able to make even longtime professionals — and the occasional screen legend — look like clumsy amateurs. They probably agree with him that his movies couldn’t find seed with critics because they were too, in his words, “politically charged.”
The punchline to a story about a filmmaker so often treated like a joke? His alleged final film is the threequel to 2009’s “Rampage,” the first Boll film to get largely (though not exclusively) positive reviews.