There’s nothing more pathetic than the former high school athlete who sticks around too long after the fact.
You know the guy: constantly yearning for the old days, doesn’t have much going on after high school, thinking he was better than he actually was, and constantly telling the current crop of high schoolers how to “do things.” He shows up to every home game wearing his letter jacket from five years ago. He hits on all the high school girls because girls his age wouldn’t give him the time of day. And of course, he buys the new varsity quarterback 30 racks on Saturday nights to get in with the 17-year-old “in-crowd.”
Yup, this country is littered with Uncle Ricos. In fact, our great nation was built on them.
But we’re not here to make fun of the fact that you sprained your ankle senior year and it cost you a shot at states. We’re here to celebrate the Uncle Rico inside all of us (ewww). We’re here to celebrate the guys in pro and college sports who just can’t let it go. The guys who simply love to be recognized in public. And the guys who will never, EVER turn down a free drink at the bar across the street.
Scottie Pippen
Rico scale (1-10):
Pippen’s Rico stock is currently shooting through the roof. He has been seen in the stands at nearly every Chicago Bulls home game this season and went so far as to WRITE A LETTER to the current Bulls regarding the injury to Derrick Rose. It read:
“Yes, you lost one of your brothers — a warrior in every sense of the word — but I know and you know you’ve still got a lot of fight left. You’re still the best team in the NBA until an opponent proves otherwise. So go out there and play like it. You’ve earned that much with Derrick along the way, but you also won a lot of games without him. It’s time to meet the challenge.”
I’m sure Taj Gibson will really take this thing to heart … or he’ll just throw it in the trash.
Of course, something similar happened to Pippen during his Bulls career in that the team’s superstar, Michael Jordan, disappeared for an extended period of time.
And this is how Pippen reacted. Tell ‘em how it’s done Scottie.
Kevin Millar
Rico scale:
Showed up to Fenway Park at their 100th anniversary celebration acting like he was the second coming of Ted Williams. In actuality, Millar was a glorified male cheerleader during much of the Red Sox run to a title in 2004. And after the Red Sox won it? There was a (pun intended) hangover that lasted the remainder of his career. In 134 games in 2005, the “power hitter” belted a whopping nine home runs and had 50 RBI for Boston.
Doug Flutie
Rico scale:
When Flutie drop-kicked his extra point with the Patriots, there was something hokey about it. You know? The hometown hero does good one last time thing? Does it get any more corny than that stuff?
There’s little doubt that Steven Gostkowski or Adam Vinatieri or Chad Ochocinco could have done the exact same thing in a game for the Patriots over the years. Why Bill Belichick chose to feed into the nauseating Flutie-machine is a question we’ll likely never get an answer to.
It should also be noted that Flutie has yet to turn down an invitation to play in a charity basketball game in the greater Boston area and his hobbies include playing drums for the Boston College band at basketball games in front of 423 fans and bringing his own baseball glove to Fenway Park to catch foul balls (true stories, did I mention Flutie is 49 years old?).
Magic Johnson
Rico scale:
Thank god he landed this TV gig on ESPN or he might still be trying to make a comeback. He spent the latter part of the ’90s sitting next to Dyan Cannon in the Lakers crowd, painfully trying to get noticed by NBC cameras and he evened tried his hand at coaching, which shockingly didn’t go too well.
Remember Dodgers fans, not everything the Magic man touches turns to gold.
Shoot like a man, Senator
Whenever politicians attempt to do something athletic, red flags are waved everywhere. The fix, more times than not, is definitely in. So when Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass.) hit a half court shot the other day, we automatically wondered if the clip was doctored. Especially in an election year.
The most alarming part of this clip, however, is the fact that he shoots it underhand!? Really, Senator?!
You could hit five FULL court shots in a row underhand and we wouldn’t be impressed.
Shoot like a man, and you’ll have my vote. Until then, keep your Rick Barry ways to yourself.
