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MLB season predictions ... sure to go wrong

Metro tells you who will win the World Series, what Ozzie Guillen will say on Twitter and gives you a reason to ogle model Dominique Piek.

Without further ado we get to the predictions ...

WINNERS



World Series pick?

Answer: Rangers over Astros in six
Sean Quinn, Metro NY sports editor
Ian Kinsler starts being clutch and Brandon Webb returns to Cy Young form; as for the Astros, that pick is totally VCU-inspired.
AL MVP: Nelson Cruz
NL MVP: Matt Kemp

World Series pick?
Answer: Red Sox over Phillies in six
Mike Greger, Metro Philly sports editor
The old theory is good pitching bests good hitting, but the Sox have a video-game lineup. Not even the Phab Four can silence Fenway’s Finest.
AL MVP: Joe Mauer
NL MVP: Joey Votto

World Series pick?
Answer: Red Sox over Phillies in five
Adam Smartschan, Metro Boston sports editor
It’s the only way this can end up. Both teams are loaded.
AL MVP: Carl Crawford
NL MVP: Buster Posey


LOSERS



How will Detroit keep Miguel Cabrera in line?

Answer: An ultimate game of dizzy bat
Last offseason, he went to rehab. This offseason, he was arrested on suspicion of drunken-driving. The Tigers could just deal him to the Brewers, but five rounds of dizzy bat will make him never want to drink again.

Which cellar dweller stays most relevant?
Answer: Indians
There figures to be at least a few Rick Vaughn bobblehead giveaways at Progressive Field in Cleveland, maybe even an appearance from the “Wild Thing” himself and possibly the filming of “Major League III.”

What player will fans hate the most?
Answer: Grady Sizemore
Not only does he ruin your fantasy team but he also leaks pics of his trouser snake. He’d get back on our good side if he came up with shots of his on-again, off-again flame, former Playmate Brittany Binger — or if he started raking again.


DISTRACTIONS



Who will be the biggest freak show?
Answer: Toss-up
At 7-foot-1, minor league pitcher Loek van Mil from the Netherlands would be the tallest MLB player ever if he gets called up by the Angels. Then there’s Dodgers’ RP Travis Schlichting, who sports a Kenny Powers mullet.

What will Jeff Motuzas eat next?
Answer: Big League Chew
The D-backs bullpen catcher is a human garbage disposal. He snorts wasabi, chugs sour milk and lets players knock him in the man parts for some extra greenbacks. Watch him down five packages of BLC for fun.

What will Yankees fans do for an encore?
Answer: Cross the line booing Zack Greinke
They reportedly spit on Cliff Lee’s wife last fall. They’ll probably chant “Take more Zo-loft!” when Zack Greinke, his social anxiety and his family visit Yankee Stadium this summer, then cry when he rejects a trade to New York.


TRIAL BY ERROR



Worst baseball trial?
Answer: Idiot v. Sluggerrr
Forget Barry Bonds. The loveable Royals’ mascot shot off wieners into the crowd via an air cannon back in 2009, striking a fan in the face. That fan sued for more than $25,000 in damages, but a jury ruled last month the team is not liable. Now, if that fan wanted to sue the Royals for just being the Royals, he would probably win that case.


#greatness



The most followed man on Twitter will be ...
Answer: @Ozzie Guillen
He’s always ranting about a hot date with his wife at Jack in the Box, threatening to stuff Ken Rosenthal into a locker or ripping his former players for run-ins with the law.


CHICKS DIG THE LONG BALL



Which slugger benefits most from a breakup?
Answer: Matt Kemp
The Dodger told Rihanna she’s not the only girl in the world. He turned into the NL’s version of Carlos Pena, crushing 28 HRs but hitting just .249 in ’10. He needs more time with a swing coach like Rihanna needs more time with a stylist.

Who will be the MLB’s new power couple?
Answer: C.J. Wilson and Dominique Piek
Cameron Diaz’s face will surely melt off before the All-Star break. The Rangers are the hot team right now and there might not be anyone hotter than Piek, the SI swimsuit model girlfriend of Texas’ starting pitcher. Although, if the Tampa Bay Rays can somehow manage to stay relevant, Reid Brignac (famous for his “Teach Me How To Dougie” clubhouse video) and former Playmate girlfriend Lauren Anderson can make a run at this all-important title.

 
 
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