The Worst Sports Fan in America hears himself heckled in Milwaukee at a Cubs-Brewers game. He stomps through the stands – cradling his cheese nacho tray – until he spots his critic, shoves a finger under the guy’s nose and berates him for trying to “be a big shot.”
The Worst Sports Fan in America comes from Newark, N.J., eight miles from the Meadowlands Sports Complex. Despite that, he swears lifetime fealty to the Dallas Cowboys’ blue pentagram.
As a child, that likely made him a neighborhood outcast. As an adult, he parlayed his position and power to nudge into Jerry Jones’s luxury box, slurping at the owner’s elbow. Who can forget the image of him awkwardly seeking a manbrace after one Dallas win, and ending up instead with an icky elbow hug?
The Worst Sports Fan in America represents South Jersey constituents who love their Philadelphia Eagles. Appearing on a cable TV shoutfest last year, he said of the Eagles and their loyalists, “They suck and they’ve sucked for a long time. And their fans are generally angry, awful people.”
He feels no better about Phillies supporters. Over the years, he has been spotted frequently at Citizens Bank Park. There has never been an incident requiring him to lumber around, nachos in tow, seeking an offender to confront. Largely, he’s been ignored. But that didn’t stop him from saying this:
“The Phillies suck. Let's just start with that. They're from Philadelphia. They're an awful team. They're an angry, bitter fan base and it's not safe for civilized people to go to Citizens Bank Park if you want to root for the other team.”
“Suck” is a big word in his vocabulary. Such discourse seems beneath the dignity of a sports-talk host (well, most of us), and certainly beneath the governor of the nation’s 11th-most-populous state. But, oh, the Worst Sports Fan in America dreams of a radio gig. That delusion ended quickly when he punctuated a one-day tryout on WFAN in New York by calling a detractor a “communist from Montclair.”
Such slander seems normal now in presidential debates. But we hold ourselves to a higher standard when dressing down call-in critics.
I will make no jokes about the Worst Fan in America’s weight. Suffice it to say, food is a big issue here. Over just two years, according to state reports, he spent $82,594 on concessions at MetLife Stadium, plunging his taxpayer-funded debit card into the scanner 58 times. That’s a lot of Johnny Walker Blues for his pal, Jerry Jones.
There have been other disputes involving taxpayer money. He once stalled his son’s high school baseball game by buzzing a 55-foot state helicopter over left field, landing nearby and getting into a black limo to drive the final 100 yards to the stands. He balked, but later reimbursed the state for that $2,500-an-hour flight.
The Worst Sports Fan in America leaves elected office on Jan. 16, 2018. Here’s hoping he uses his increased idle time to find another hobby – one that keeps him out of our lives.