Since the show Rescue 911, which was slotted somewhere in between “Major Dad” and “Designing Women” in CBS’s historically bad primetime lineup of the early 1990s, we have been fascinated by 911 calls.

They really do explain a lot about situations of crisis, much more than most police reports. So we were certainly expecting the Chad Johnson/Evelyn Lozada 911 tapes to reveal the most drama-filled 3-4 minute 911 call in the history of man, namely because it involved Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada.

Shockingly enough, this is how it went down:

Wow. Just wow. Could this guy have been more calm? He is the coolest customer around and should be hired immediately by a high-profile police department to deal with crisis management. We’re guessing he’s already pretty well-off since he lives next to Mr. and Mrs. Ochocinco, but the guy missed his true calling in life.

Imagine the class and grace in which he would have handled this scene:

Ocho’s neighbor would have simply dominated this situation, never flinching.

Ocho’s neighbor: “Ms. with the s*** on your face, you’ve been tremendously helpful so far and we are extremely appreciative of that. I just have one more request if you could be so kind. Could you please look for a large, magic marker, whatever color — just as long as it makes a nice mark here on this poor soul’s chest? She is a high-profile individual and we would rather not make a scene. So if you could just briskly bring a marker to me, I would be forever in debt.”

Ocho’s neighbor is truly the anti-Vincent Vega. He is confident in his skills to get the job done and will never, ever crack under pressure.

Now we’re wishing on-air birthdays to back-up QB’s?

Tim Tebow had his own segment on SportsCenter this morning. Because today is his birthday. He is 25-years-old. Swell.

This
makes about as much sense as that thing when your 200 friends on
Facebook wish you a happy birthday and you have to either “like” each
wish or respond with fake enthusiasm for each comment (Thanks Danny!!!
Haven’t seen you since 5th grade, but I appreciate the fact that you
take the time to wish everyone you know or knew a happy birthday via social media
everyday!!!).

In that spirit, we were wondering if ESPN featured
Arizona Cardinals backup quarterback Richard Bartel when it was his
birthday on Feb. 3?

After all, like Tebow, Bartel is a back-up QB. He
is currently going through the grind at camp. He’s putting in all the hours.
He’s entrenched in the playbook until the morning’s early hours. He was
once the BMOC in college (Tarleton State, represent!).

So
Richard, here’s to you. Happy birthday, six months later, from your
friends at PTF. You don’t even have to “like” us or post a comment
here either. Today is your special day.