By now you know new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow will be introduced at a noon press conference today. I can also break the suspense and tell you exactly what he'll say: nothing. I can sum it up as "I just want to help the team any way I can," "I plan to work as hard as possible," "Me and Mark have a great relationship" and "God bless."
But what would Tebow say if he weren't stuck in Derek Jeter automaton mode? Let us interpret the political correctness.
1.) "I plan to work as hard as I can to contribute to this team any way I can."
I will outwork Mark Sanchez. While he's hanging out with Kate Upton, I will be in the gym. While he's at the 40/40 club, I will be at the gym. I will destroy Mark Sanchez.
2.) "I just want to help the team win."
I just want to be quarterback.
3.) "Me and Mark have already talked and I think we'll get along great."
I will destroy Mark Sanchez. I will steal his job and leave him in a puddle of tears, begging for his mommy.
4.) "I'm looking forward to playing for Rex Ryan and it's great that he's a passionate coach."
Are you an idiot? Should I be rethinking my position on abortion? On what planet do believing in God and hearing cursing not exist?
5.) "God bless."
I. Will. Destroy. Mark Sanchez.
Peter Crouch's Wunder Goal
Peter Crouch, the 6-foot-7 striker for Stoke City had the goal of the year this weekend against Manchester City, arguably the best team in the Premiership. Don't worry, this won't become a soccer blog, but you'll want to check this video out.
You'll notice the ball never touches the ground from the goal kick to the goal. Really impressive stuff. Also, it gives us a chance to show you pictures of Crouch's wife, British glamour model Abigail Clancy. You're welcome for that too.
Yes, Tim Duncan is old
Check out this box score for last night's Spurs-76ers game. The 35-year-old Tim Duncan is listed in the box score as "DNP-Old." We're not sure if this was the work of the Spurs' staff that does the official scoring or if it was the work of always-hilarious San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich.
Duncan happens to be my mother's favorite player. I occasionally wonder if she would rather have him as a son than me. The rest of the time I know that for sure.
Oh, by the way, the Duncan-less Spurs blew out Philadelphia, 93-76. It was a helpful assist for the Celtics and Knicks, courtesy of DaJuan Blair.
Follow Metro New York Sports Editor Mark Osborne on Twitter @MetroNYSports. Since his mother loves Tim Duncan more than him, he establishes his entire self-worth according to Twitter followers.