You know how Pippa Middleton finally married her very rich beau, James Matthews, this weekend? No, I know — I was too focused on whatever was happening with Meghan Markle and The Hot Ginger Prince, too. But after all, it was Pippa’s day, so let’s give her some attention for a little while.
According to E! News, the reception was fun and games — and the perfect opportunity for Matthew’s best man, Justin Johannsen, to make some uncomfortable bro-y jokes that nobody wanted to hear. Hooray!
The bawdy groomsman started off very nicely, by referring to 34-year-old Pippa as the love of James’ life, deeming her “beautiful” and “energetic” and “loyal” and… “soft-mouthed.” He added that she “comes on command” and has a “great behind.” Oh, dear. “But that’s enough about James’ spaniel,” he quipped. “I’m here to talk about James’ love, Pippa.” Wow, this dude sounds like a nightmare!
England’s Number One Broseph (trademark pending) also teased Pippa about her pre-wedding exercise bootcamp. “First, some messages from those who couldn’t be here today: ‘Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don’t forget to buttock clench on the star jumps,'” he laughed. “That’s from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho.” I don’t get it, but okay!
But he said some nice stuff, too. What a dude. Addressing Pippa directly he said, “I think I can say for everyone, that you look stunning. The image of perfection. I know that James first fell in love with your gutsiness and your spirit and then succumbed to your beauty. You make James extremely happy. You have a voir la joie that warms the hearts of everyone who knows you, and you have won the heart of the best man that I know.” Nice, I guess!
And there you have it. Can’t help but wonder, though — what did Meghan and Harry think?