The new “Twin Peaks”has arrived, and the residents are looking damn fine 25 years later. Lynch’s new take brings with it a whole new level of bizarre — and no shortage of eye candy. Based on who we’ve encountered so far in the first two episodes, which premiered last night on Showtime, here are the ten hottest characters in the revival, including who’s still got it from the returning cast, and who’s looking fresh among the new arrivals. (Spoiler: Not Matthew Lillard).
Dale Cooper #1, (Kyle MacLachlan)
We’ll call him “Good Cooper,” the FBI agent we know and cherish, with Boy Scout integrity, boyish good looks and an equal passion for the truth and cherry pie. He’s currently trapped in the Black Lodge, being a pretty good sport about having to contend with bizarro versions of Laura Palmer, the one-armed man, and even a freaking deranged, sentient tree, while his BOB-possessed doppelganger wreaks havoc in the real world. We hope he gets out soon. In the meantime, just look at those kind eyes, that lovely head of hair, that chin!
Dale Cooper #2, (Kyle MacLachlan)
Bad Cooper! We’re pleased that Dale’s BOB-possessed doppelganger is more bad-ass than scary, because weren’t sure if we could handle the latter. Bad Coop is a lowlife conman with bottomless black eyes, long, loose hair, a 70s era leather jacket — and just enough sex appeal. Oh, and we’re pretty sure MacLachlan is wearing bronzer. (Yes, he’s slightly caricatured, but we’re here for it.) We’re ready for Good Coop’s emancipation from red-roomed Hell, but we’ll gladly watch his villainous version strut around, seduce and set fire to everything in his path.
Beverly Page, (Ashley Judd)
Ashley Judd joins the cast as Beverly Page, Ben Horne’s new assistant at the Great Northern. In her one scene so far, she handles Horne and his idiot brother Jerry (who’s all white-haired and hippied out and insufferable as ever) with the vibe of a more-level headed, grown up Audrey (who, by the way, we haven’t seen yet). We have no idea what Beverly will get into, but Judd is graceful as ever and easy on the eyes, as always.
Laura Palmer, (Sheryl Lee)
The show’s central victim has returned, and while we can’t say for sure what or who she is now (“I died, yet I live,” she tells Cooper, in that slow motion, Black Lodge affect, sashaying across the patterned floor) we’re happy to lay eyes on her again, this time, not wrapped in plastic. Lee a quarter century later is still a looker, and we didn’t realize how satisfying it’d be so see her lean over and plant a kiss on Cooper’s lips, before ascending with a witch-like wail, possibly swallowed up by the red curtains forever. Long live Laura Palmer.
Tracey (Madeline Zima) and Sam Colby (Ben Rosenfield)
This duo of young hotties acts out the slasher flick trope of getting laid before they’re slayed. Rosenfield (“Boardwalk Empire”) plays a young man who works in a studio space in New York City where he’s tasked only with watching a random glass box with a porthole opening out to the Manhattan skyline, to, uh, see if anything shows up in it. (Yep, the new “Twin Peaks” is out there.) When his friend Tracey comes over (played by Zima, whom you might recognize as the 16-year-old who sleeps with Hank Moody in “Californication”) he makes the mistake of taking his eye off the box to get busy with her. A white, alien-like entity takes form, and then leaps out to eviscerate the young lovers, who we last see completely streaked in blood. Oh well, it was hot while it lasted!
Deputy Hawk, (Michael Horse)
What a silver…hawk. Deputy Tommy “Hawk” Hill was fine as hell in the original “Twin Peaks,” and we’re pleased to report he looks exactly same, dangly earrings and all, except now he’s rocking an exquisite silver mane. He fields calls from the Log Lady, who tells him “something’s missing,” and roams the woods, using his Native American instincts to try and find it. Go, Hawk, go.
Shelly Johnson, (Madchen Amick)
Grown-up diner girl Shelly Johnson is now a total MILF. We catch her throwing back shots with her gal pals at the Roadhouse, while James (James David Greenblatt) — who, by the way is still creepy, still annoying — can’t take his eyes off her from across the room. Where’s Bobby? We like the idea of Shelly single and free of dirtbags Leo and Bobby who both dragged her down in her early years. She alludes to a daughter, who’s dating someone “terribly wrong”; well, where do you think she got that from, Shell? Free Shelly! And James, please get a life.
Renee, (Jessica Szhor)
We spotted the “Gossip Girl” beauty seated at Shelly’s table at the Roadhouse, where her friends mistakenly think that James is checking her out. We have no idea what role Renee will take, but Szhor is a stunner for sure, with, dare we say, a Donna vibe?
Ruth Radelet, lead singer of Chromatics
We certainly hope to see Julee Cruise again, the original “Twin Peaks” songstress who serenaded at the Roadhouse and the longtime David Lynch collaborator. But in episode two, Portland-based group Chromatics hit the mood just right with their performance of “Shadow.” Ruth Radelet glows in the spotlight at center stage, with her Bond girl blond locks and sultry vibes, singing the line “For the last time,” ominously over and over again. We’re hoping for a reprise. Watch the video for “Shadow” below.