1. The flipside: Recent years have been riddled with political unrest, ecological catastrophes and trends of increasing inhumanity, and there are still millions without the most basic nourishment and shelter. Consequently, the new Harry Potter movie already has $32 million in advance ticket sales, but to put things into perspective… it’s in 3-D.
2. Cotton-eyed Joes: It’s Calgary Stampede time again, and everyone’s flocking to Southern Alberta for some rodeo, clogging and deep-fried culinary concoctions. Take that, America. You’re not the only ones with crazy cowboys and country music.
3. Goliath falls … on his wallet: One of my favourite ’80s comedies is Trading Places. Specifically, when Eddy Murphy and Dan Aykroyd bankrupt their ruthless employers, The Dukes. Recognition of this Karmic retribution sends the Dukes into a meltdown, turning on each other and everyone who once feared and revered them, as one collapses into cardiac arrest, while the other, frothing at the mouth, commences a stroke, yelling, “How could they do this to us? We’re ruined!” Anyone else thinking of Rupert Murdoch right now?
4. Need a P?: Lindsay Lohan stood proud last week as the results of her drug tests finally came back negative. Yay! Tests also revealed that she has the healthy testicles of a 12-year-old Mexican boy.
5. Berry picking: I am forbidden from commenting due to my own personal history with Halle, but I will say this: What kind of world do we live in when a writer can’t enjoy a peaceful dinner in a tree outside a celebrity’s window with binoculars and a camcorder, without her getting all creeped out? Geez. Get over yourself, lady.
6. Canada’s got imagination: Ever notice that none of the judges on America’s Got Talent are actually American? I mean, if they “got talent,” how come they don’t “got judges”? In any case, whenever the U.S. has a hit, Canada likes to have its own, less profitable version, hence Citytv’s presentation of Canada’s Got Talent. CGT will hold auditions this fall for illusionists, acrobats, ventriloquists, rejects from Canadian Idol and So You Think You Can Dance, or anyone who enjoys repeated public disgrace.
7. NKOTBSB: Acronym for the tasteless combination of two exceptionally ripened retro-boy-bands peddling their respective brands of nostalgic mediocrity to recently divorced mothers reliving a time when their waistlines were favourably offset by the disproportionate dimensions of their hair and shoulders. (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys — now on tour.)
8. Sudan-ly I see: After decades of unrest, South Sudan finally achieved independence on July 9th. The new government must now rise to the challenge of providing necessities for its citizens. Immediate concerns include clean water, roads, schools, currency, Starbucks and a Walmart. Vaya con dios, fellow citizens.