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'Bachelorette' recap: Episode 3, 'Santa Barbara'

Andi starts off this episode super excited, because they’re taking a break from LA and going to Santa Barbara! Or, as she pronounces it, Santaaaaaaa Barbaraaaaaaaa!

First up is a one-on-one with Nick V., whom I have previously denounced as boring. They take a nice mountain bike ride, and Nick V. remarks that “you can just take in the chill energy.” He wins back some points with me when it is revealed that he has thus far been skeptical of the Bachelorette dating process, as well should we all be. Also, he’s not wearing gingham FOR ONCE IN HIS HITHERTO BASIC LIFE. Oy, it’s really not his fault that I’m grumpy. I’m grumpy because Andi looks like a sexy “Power Bars For Her” commercial even when she’s all up in a mountain, whereas I’m sprawled on an IKEA couch knowing I’ll never love myself enough to wear white shorts on television.

GROUP DATE! Turns out these shmoos came to Santa Barbara to perform onstage at a BOYZ II MEN CONCERT. (Note: I Googled ‘Boys 2 Men’ to find the spelling. Google was all, “um, sorry dorkface, but did you mean Boyz II Men?’ And I was like ugh come on, you know that I did.)

The guys got a singing lesson before doing a rendition of “I’ll Make Love to You,” a true “F U” to the dodos in Santaaaaaaaa Barbaraaaaaaaa who actually paid to see this concert. Bradley, the earnest professional opera singer who inexplicably lives in the cultural Mecca of Holland, Michigan, was stoked to catch Andi’s attention with his beautiful, stylistically inappropriate voice. He came off as a glory hog who failed to grasp the moral of “Teen Wolf” – this is a team activity, yo! Pass the basketball to someone else and just be grateful that a hot girl is willing to overlook the fact that you’re a werewolf.

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The group date continues to the mansion. Josh tells Andi “I want to see you every day…I miss you every day” and she eats it up like it’s chocolate mousse at a buffet even though he’s wearing a freaking plaid fashion scarf in Santa Barbara. Like, WHY IS YOUR DUMB NECK SO COLD, BRO? He still gets a rose, and Andi misses the chance to say, “So your occupation is ‘Former Pro Baseball Player,’ eh? But tell me, Josh M., who are youNOW???”

The next one-on-one goes to JJ, who has thus far been the equivalent of the kid playing the background tree in the grade school pageant. Since Andi is looking for someone to grow old with, she figures, like, why not get their full hair and make-up done to look like old people and go hang out in the park? Props to JJ for being a good sport and not pointing out that this plan is basically a ball gag away from being on Kink.com with an ‘age play’ tag. They sort of offensively ride around on mobility carts and Andi says that she really got an idea of what it would be like to be old with JJ, even though they’ve skipped the ‘decades of monotony and crushing each other’s dreams’ stuff that happens in between.

ok Andi this was a very cool role play idea LOL jk ok Andi this was a very cool role play idea LOL jk

(FULL DISCLOSURE: A guy I went to high school with knows JJ in real life. So if I lost like 20 pounds I could probably use that connection to get into Bungalow 8, right? I just really want my life to mean something.)

Blah blah, Newly Less Boring Nick V. sends Andi flowers, and he’s not wearing gingham but he does have a paisley pocket square. OK. And then Marcus writes her a note or something while I was texting my friend. BUT THEN LIGHTNING FLASH ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM BEEP THUD KAPOW SHATTERED PARADIGM SWISHHHH. Because then, the real drama happened.

See, JJ has a secret that’s been tearing him up inside. (And no, it’s not that he just dressed up like an old man and gushed about his feelings on national television.) Nope, it’s so much more than that. Andrew, some guy who hasn’t really done much until now, apparently got a hostess’ number last week. Oh, and that hostess WAS. NOT. ANDI. And instead of throwing himself off the mansion roof to redeem the last remaining shred of humanity in the monstrous vessel he calls a body, he BRAGGED ABOUT IT TO THE OTHER GUYS. And then he had the gall to deny it, which is literally how genocides start.

The guys confront Andrew, who acts like this was not a big deal, even though it was a really, really big deal, and Andrew’s heart is obviously made of BP oil that he wants to dump all over endangered sea turtle eggs. But Andi doesn’t know this, so HE GETS A ROSE ANYWAY.Singing Bradley and some guy named Brett get kicked off, but who cares? This week, ABC is serving up a double dose of episodes to fully address the Andrew drama.

Teasers for tonight’s bonus episode show clips of Andi crying and yelling gems like IF YOU DON’T CARE YOU CAN JUST GO and I’M HONESTLY AT THE POINT WHERE I DON’T WANT TO WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE WITH YOU. And, as the two-hour episode draws to a close, I have to agree.

Grade: C-

 
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