If you’ve wondered whether Ali and Bethany knew each other, you got an answer tonight: Yes, and in a very tangled way. But many lingering questions remain, including, but not limited to: Mona’s Mom isn’t Asian, wtf? Mona’s last name is Vanderwaal, so presumably her dad ain’t either. Is she adopted? See below for several more answers (and questions too), in this Season 5 Fatal Finale recap.
After brief shots of a grizzly, Thanksgiving-day crime scene, we flash to 36 hours earlier, when the Liars have all turned on Ali, convinced she’s “A”. They seek Mona for help, but Mona is too scared of Ali to get involved.
Question: but not too scared to build an army against her?
Answer: yeah, I feel like — crazy or sane, villain or victim — they make Mona into whatever the story needs her to be at the moment.
Q: like that Leonard Cohen song?
A: more like the Carly Simon one.
Q: whoa, how old are you?
A:Speaking of the army, though, they turned on Mona. Lucas says Ali flipped them.
Q: whoah, Lucas is still on this show?Who are they gonna bring back next, Toby?
A: yes, but slow down. First Mona gets onboard, and then she and Lucas bluesnarf (or some other verb I also wouldn’t understand) the cops in order to steal a video copy of Ali’s lie-detector test. The very first question they ask is if she’s sitting down.
Q: because they have bad news?
A: no, to get a baseline for her nerve response while being honest.
Q: and did she lie?
A: what? No. Why would she– Nevermind. Ali doesn’t give much away to the cops, but based on what they ask, it’s clear Spencer is a suspect in the murder of Bethany Young.
Kiss me, cop
So Spencer is totally getting arrested, and she knows it. But first, Toby shows up in uniform. He tells her to turn around with her hands behind her head, she refuses because she’s naughty, and I got an uncomfortable eye twitch. Then Toby says, “They taught us how to deal with delinquents like you in the academy,” and kisses her.
Q: they fight crime by making out with the criminals?
A: it’s a strange municipal tactic. Then Spencer gives him a special watch with a sappy engraving and I thought, oh no, Toby’s gonna die.
Q: Toby died?
A: no. But they definitely wanted us to think he did, replete with screeching calling-while-driving car crash. But he only broke a leg.
Q: so in addition to kissing criminals, Rosewood’s police force also walks on crutches.
A: I guess so.
RIP or BRB?
Spencer and Mona break into Radley, dressed like WWII nurses, in order to steal Bethany’s files. Meanwhile, Hanna and Caleb play lookout in the car, using code words, which make less sense than Mona’s awesome new acronym, HTHU, that’s now all over Twitter.
Q: Hot Things Happen Usually?
A: well, that is true of the show, but I think it actually stands for–
Q: Hanna Thinks Hard Underwater?
A: I mean, sure, she probably would, but that’s not–
Q: Help Toby Hobble Uptown?
A: Hurry the Hell Up. It’s Hurry the Hell Up.
Q: seriously, would you?
A: [Sigh] Emily distracts Ali at her house, pretending to want to make up. But Ali sees her text history, knows it’s a set-up, and splits. They bump shoulders as they pass each other like the most legit thugs on the cul-de-sac.
Q: okay, HTHU, what did they learn at Radley?
A: Mrs. D was having an affair with Bethany’s dad.
Q: geez, who didn’t that women sleep with?
A: Jason? Also, Ali lured Bethany to Rosewood. And right after Mona called the Liars to tell them so, someone with long blonde hair breaks into the house and murders her.
Q: Ali?
A: that’s what they want us to think.
Q: is she really dead?
A: that’s what they want us to think. We see her later in a trunk, eyes stuck open. And right when she’d gotten full scholarships to Harvard, Yale, and Dartmouth, which must all have highly ranked bluesnarfing departments.
Many questions remain: Why were the geek twins chauffeuring Ali around? Why was Mona’s mom in Hackett’s office? And, seriously, did she have an affair with an Asian man or something?
See you in October!
