Look on the bright side, Sox fans. Things couldn’t possibly go worse than they went in 2011. A few 2012 predictions for the Old Towne Team that will likely not come true:
Jenny Dell, NESN’s sideline replacement for Heidi Watney, begins dating Jacoby Ellsbury in July. In turn, Ellsbury goes into a month long slump. Dell and Ellsbury break up on Aug. 20, and the Sox center fielder goes on a monthlong tear to end the season and push the Sox into the second wild-card slot. Dell is replaced by Jen Royle.
Closer by committee. Alfredo Aceves goes through April in impressive fashion, saving five games with a 2.14 ERA. He tanks in May. Mark Melancon takes over in June and is thoroughly unimpressive as Sox fans panic in the streets and yearn for the days of Papelbon. Andrew Bailey returns in July and is steady the rest of the way … though Sox fans never truly trust him.
Bobby Valentine gets into a fistfight with the ponytail guy from Jordan’s Furniture after it is learned that their commercials are too awkward for TV. What, you’re telling me that’s happened already? Oh, and no one hits the ball on the sign in center.
Against the Orioles, the Red Sox go 18-0 as they single-handedly get Buck Showalter fired. Sox and O’s fans rejoice together.