It’s July 3, 2018. America is less than halfway through President Donald Trump’s term, and Democrats are realizing that Russia meddling in our elections will not be the most outrageous scandal our country will have to endure before it’s done.
Right-wing conspiracy theorist and man who claims chili makes him forget his kids Alex Jones sees everything building so fast that on the night of Sunday, July 1, he published a video titled “BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th.”
BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th https://t.co/38AWiUFaag
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) July 1, 2018
By Tuesday, Democrats had finally caught their breath from laughing so hard and got to work imagining what, exactly, a second Civil War would look like with #secondcivilwarletters. The hashtag spent most of the day as the top trending topic on Twitter, though it’s unclear whether that was due to the volume of tweets or their highly SEO-friendly content: avocados, the Kardashians, covfefe, Mike Pence and vaccines. Because in the end, it’s not our broken democratic system that rules America — it’s the Google algorithm.
Is this the future liberals want? Nobody wants to go to war, virtual or otherwise. But if it means keeping abortion legal, decriminalizing marijuana, creating a more equal legal system and enacting gun control legislation so kids can feel safe in their schools, then conservatives better make sure their mobility scooters are charged and crank up Kanye West, because #secondcivilwarletters could very well become reality.
So prepare for the fight to come by reading these fictional accounts of the #secondcivilwarletters as told on Twitter — because the revolution will be livetweeted.
I am attempting to infiltrate the ranks of Y’all Qaida (a.k.a. Yokel Haram). To do so I will have to wear this vile MAGA headdress, abandon proper grammar and spelling, and listen to Fox propaganda. I fear for my sanity…#secondcivilwarletters
— Timothy Reyes (@TimothyReyes42) July 3, 2018
“My darling Eleanor,
It is with a sense of relief that I write to you today. A few hours ago we were stopped by MAGA troops while smuggling books into Alabama. Luckily none of the MAGA soldiers could *prove* they were books, and so they let us go free.”#SecondCivilWarLetters
— General BoomerDog (@J_P_BoomerDog) July 3, 2018
“Captured at Bowling Green. In tolerably good health. Avocado hardtack rations meager and chicory covfefe drunk cold to avoid microwave surveillance. Capt. Kardashian to negotiate prisoner exchange.”#secondcivilwarletters
— Kathy Olson (@Kathy_Olson) July 3, 2018
Our espresso machine is broken and our supply of Starbucks singles is running thin. Our avocado ration is cut in half and there’s a 10-minute wait for a charging port. Sherman was right: War Is Hell.
Sent by my iPhone #secondcivilwarletters
— chance (@pkrandall) July 3, 2018
May this letter find you well.
The Red Hats entered the field of battle astride their mobility scooters.
We tipped them over forthwith.
“I have fallen and cannot make America great again,” cried out a liver spotted Red Hat.#secondcivilwarletters
— Shane Roth (@apexnerd) July 3, 2018
I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.
He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.
“One question…” he gasped.
“Anything,” I said.
With his last breath he sighed, “What is a clitoris?”
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
An entire battalion of red hats fell to us yesterday. We made them read entire books of the Bible instead of out of context passages. The heads of three exploded on the spot others wandered away as if their lives were a lie.#secondcivilwarletters
— Pancho (@Panchopax) July 3, 2018
My dearest Hortense,
Ignominious chaos today upon the field of battle. NOTALLMEN was a terrible name for an infantry company. The soldiers are unable to discern when my orders are ironic. I fear very few were actually, as they boasted, Navy Seals.
— WeaponizedHat (@Popehat) July 3, 2018
Dearest Marie- We have surrounded the Luftwaffle at their headquarters. It will take our most heavily armored vehicles to break through the line of waifu pillow reinforcements. But with God’s help, we shall be victorious. #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/iS0548GYms
— Mossback (@Mossback) July 3, 2018
I am writing from the trenches of Deep State, Alabama. It was a brutal fortnight, but we’ve secured all the Walmart stores.#MAGAts were spotted on the beach celebrating the winning of a war in North Korea they never fought.
Please send more boxed wine!#secondcivilwarletters
— He’s Not Normal (@Catherine000Gr8) July 3, 2018
We put together a really bad video montage of Trump ordering his troops to charge us naked with no guns and broadcast it at the enemy lines as a joke.
But they actually charged us. Naked. With no guns.
Will be home for dinner.#secondcivilwarletters
— Pé Resists (@4everNeverTrump) July 3, 2018
I regret to inform you that rumors of the president attempting to flee Washington amongst the refugees while dressed as a woman were untrue. It was only his Lieutenant, Giuliani. #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/xOyzjit4fH
— Jerry (@js_edit) July 3, 2018
My dearest Clementine,
I write to you on the eve of our greatest peril. I fight not for myself, but for the right of all children to watch lady Ghostbusters.
Be safe my love, and please make sure our Whatsapp archives aren’t backing up to the cloud. #secondcivilwarletters
— Bree (& ?) (@mostlybree) July 3, 2018
My dear wife,
Most of my battalion has succumbed to smallpox. The horrid disease was thought to have been eradicated shortly after the last civil war, but the enemy troops we recently faced were all unvaccinated. #secondcivilwarletters
— Tom Filline (@FillineMachine) July 3, 2018
Rejoice! The tides have turned as we have managed to shut down their lines of communications by sending in a wave of black people doing ordinary things that they feel compelled to report. Chaos has ensued. The red hats are floundering. #secondcivilwarletters
— TeriSaysWhat (@IamTeriC) July 3, 2018
My Immortal Beloved:
I am trapped behind enemy lines and I fear many of the horrific atrocities we presumed to be merely urban legends are indeed true.
They eat Miracle Whip and Ted Nugent has fans.
Pray for us.
— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
We are hunkered down near Mar-a-Lago Plantation and supplies are running short. My brethren are tired but in good spirits, as we have heard a joint Canadian-Mexican Freedom Force is on its way with bullets, poutine and tequila.
Pray for us.#SecondCivilWarLetters
— “Shoe Smuggling” SL McIntosh ?? (@Mcatlady54) July 3, 2018
Today we captured many Red Hats after the Bowling Green Massacre. We are keeping them well fed on a diet of Mexican food and gay wedding cake. #secondcivilwarletters
— amy (@amy_x_g) July 3, 2018
Rations are dwindling. Morale is low.
The Trump supporters we captured refused to share bathrooms with our trans troops.
We told them it was either that or they could piss in their own corn meal and eat it.
And they did. To “own the libs”.
— Charlotte Clymer?️? (@cmclymer) July 3, 2018