The love story of our time opens in Atlanta, as Andi Dorfman packs up her old office. The assistant District Attorney lingered over her Wake Forest Law School diploma. “I remember just getting this,” she reminisces about a degree she completed in 2012. But LA is no place for diplomas. So it tops off a box full of metaphors for “Things In Life Less Important Than True Love.”
After a wide angle mountain shot, Andi arrives in LA and spends Bachelorette Eve with her sister. Their relationship does not pass The Bechdel Test, but Andi’s sister is nonetheless proud of Andi for putting herself out there to find true love. Then they choose the dress Andi will wear to meet her future husband.(Shouldn’t they be raiding the mansion’s liquor cabinet and cracking jokes about their mom?)
Just kidding! ABC would never sabotage its ad sales by portraying ladies as fully developed people. Go read “Little Women.”
WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS THO. “It’s really amazing to think that the love of my life could be here tonight,” said Andi, intermittently, throughout the two-hour premiere. Here are a few notable contenders:
Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Coordinator
Tasos wants to take Andi to a romantic bridge in Paris that lovers habitually vandalize with padlocks. But this is no passing impulse: he is teaching himself French, which he proves by saying “Je M’appelle Tasos.” This conversation was underscored by an Eiffel Tower-esque accordion tune in post-production.
Jason, 31, Urgent Care Physician
Jason got axed after landing in the Bottom Five. You’d assume Jason’s job as a doctor would make him a rose magnet, until you got a look at his hair. In California, long guy hair says “I surf and love Seth MacFarlane.” But Jason is from Wisconsin, where the vibe is decidedly more ‘Talbot’s Kids.’ He also told Andi that he’s very good at diagnosing people, and she must have a fever because she’s so hot. It’s like DUDE BEFORE YOU ADMINISTER IBUPROFEN USE A THERMOMETER MAYBE
Nick V, 33, Software Sales Executive
This guy got the first impression rose FOR NO REASON. He basically just had a polka dot tie and talked about having ten siblings. Who cares, Nick V.?
Eric, 31, Explorer
Guy gave Andi two Peruvian dolls. They were a gift from a little girl in the Andes Mountains (ANDES and ANDI=NEARLY HOMOPHONES. COINCIDENCE???) The little girl told him to give the dolls to his girlfriend, and this might be jumping the gun a bit, but here ya go, Andi. Here’s hoping that little Peruvian Mountain girl doesn’t have a television, lest she should see her adorable gift squandered on a 25-man first date. In conclusion, ‘Explorer’ is not an occupation.
Chris, ???, Former Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad contestant
BOOM CRASH POW!!! After a commotion outside of the mansion, a
struggling actor security guard breaks the news that a 26th contestant has showed up to claim Andi. When the cameras zero in on the offender, I wrote in my notes, “Oh RAD, a dorky guy with glasses! That’s MY type!” (My pulse quickened too soon: he was just some production assistant.) The real offender was Chris, an on-brand hunk of the smoldering criminal variety who figured he’d trespass for love.
But was Andi willing to let Chris compete??? What if this is the love of her life? And yet, no. No, she said with a bittersweet resolve. She can’t do that to the other guys.
Assistant District Attorney Andi may have pressed charges, but Bachelorette Andi hasn’t passed the Bar in California. Besides – she’s here to find love! Her old life is shoved in a box somewhere in Georgia, where it belongs.