Have we finally come down off the afterglow of the “Bachelorette” finale? NOT SO FAST, BACHELOR NATION. Our server was being weird for a week. But now it is working again. So I am here to upend your hard-earned emotional peace and force you to relive last week’s chilling, emotional conclusion.
Andi has thinned the herd down to her Final Two. Let’s compare:
Nick has held Andi’s attention since scoring the First Impression rose. We are told he is smart, although footage of people actually being smart would never survive post-production. (Quick! Whaddaya know about Andi’s career as a lawyer? LOLOLOLOL) Nick also comes from a conservative Wisconsin clan with a “God Hates IUDs” number of kids.
Josh was not good enough to have a serious shot at pro baseball, so he pretends he quit because of “love” and “family.” He is so handsome that he’ll never know he has a bad personality. He loves Andi because she is beautiful.
She brings the guys to her family and OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE ATLANTA LOOKS LIKE THAT. But, it is gradually revealed that the reason Atlanta looks so beautiful is because they are still in the Dominican Republic, and I just haven’t been paying attention.
Patti The Mom, Hy The Dad and Rachel The Sister meet Nick first. He is visibly nervous, probably from wondering whether a unit of parents and two kids EVEN TECHNICALLY COUNTS AS A FAMILY.
He makes Andi’s mom cry by praising her daughter and everyone seems to think he’s fine. NEXT.
Josh is more confident, his looks and athletic prowess having rendered him immune to self-doubt. Andi’s sister is all Girl, this is the same dreamy-ass knucklehead you fall for again and again and againand Andi is all I know, but MY HEART.
So, this is when I got a little drunk. You see, Citizens and Permanent Legal Residents of Bachelor Nation, I watched the finale with girlfriends over wine and bacon cheese. THERE ARE TINY CHUNKS OF BACON IT. IN THE ACTUAL CHEESE!!! If Andi Dorfman knew about this, she might not even need love after all.
Anyway, the video editors stretch this thing out with two more extraneous one-on-one dates. Andi has been wearing super low-backed beach-y dresses this whole episode and I’m like wherrrre is your bra even at?!?!?!(When I go braless, my boobs look like the Salvador Dali painting of the melting clocks.)
Long story short, I was too distracted by friendship and pinot grigio to remember much about these dull-as-hell dates, but here are the notes I took about them:
“Josh’s handwriting sucks / looks like little girl handwriting”
“Nick wearing one of those hemp bracelets where each bead color means like ‘serenity’ or ‘wisdom’ or whatever”
Take that, Nick and Josh!!! Flash-forward a scene or two and MORNING HAS DAWNED. This is the day we have all been waiting for. The day when one guy proposes and gets engaged, and the other guy’s raw pain gets exploited on broadcast television.
But before the dudes descend, Andi heads to Nick’s room herself to break things off. The feeling’s just not quite right. “I felt this worry about there being so much intensity,” Andi explained. “We both just sit here, and overanalyze everything.” (Um, no threat she’ll ever spend too much time thinking with Josh.)
Nick is clearly hurt. I don’t know how you could have looked at me that way and said what you did if you didn’t love me, he wimpers. Feelings, connection, honesty, etc., Andi replies.
But Nick won’t let go. “Remember…when we were in the water?”
(eeeeeeewwwwww gross what did you guys do in the water)
But Andi has made up her mind. She gets back into the car, Nick weeps, and it just so happens to be pouring rain, because GOD IS A TEENAGE POET.
Andi returns from the commercial break dolled up for her proposal. She’s wearing a butter-hued gown with one of those jeweled necklace necklines and, bad news, Andi, my friends and I all agreed: “ugh, I really don’t like that kind of dress with the necklace thing. What are those kind of dresses called? Do they have a name?” DO THEY HAVE A NAME, INDEED.
whatever
Josh joins her on some sort of tiled terrace in the sea? Okay. “When I gave up my first love, baseball, the reason why is I knew there was a greater love,” he says. He tells her she is his reason for being, that her smile is literally the only thing in the world and nothing else exists, and so on.
He proposes!!! She says yes!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
They embrace as the camera pans out to the sea. At the start of this journey, who could have ever imagined that Andi would end up with the same toxic athlete type that she always dates?
May their hearts be as full of joy as my mouth is of bacon cheese.
