Dwyane Wade obviously knows less about New York than even Sarah Palin. If you didn’t know better, you’d almost think that the original in this obnoxious Miami Heat trio is trying to distract people from hating LeBron James. How else can you reasonably explain the succession of dumber and dumber statements that keep spewing out of Wade’s mouth at the same rate that Paris Hilton nearly gets arrested for pot?

Wade thinks sports writers would compare a modest Heat losing streak to the horrors of Sept. 11? Sorry, Wade. Omar Minaya wouldn’t even accuse Adam Rubin of that.

Of course, LeBron — who’s already succeeded in making his 2-week-old Twitter account the most boring one in America, no small feat — couldn’t help but chime in with one his mumbo jumbo 140-character cliche lessons on not being afraid to make mistakes. OK, “King.” When should we expect the tweets on not quitting on your team in the playoffs?

As ridiculous as LeBron’s gotten (why stop at seven rings, how about 21!), Wade is worse. The 28-year-old is supposed to be the steadying, calming force of Pat Riley’s wet dream vision. Instead, he displays a complete lack of even rudimentary recent NBA history — to go with his 9/11 ignorance — with that line about this being the best trio ever.

Hey, it’s not like anyone is asking Wade to read 700 pages of Bill Simmons. But how about throwing on a little ESPN Classic?

But at least Wade surely never swears during a game. Then, we’d have a real problem, as the continuing, three-alarm, blaring-headline fuss over Tiger Woods’ occasional profanity attests. Tiger is either completely finished or on the cusp depending on who you believe after this British Open, but who cares either way when his application to charm school is in such clear dire jeopardy?

One thing is certain: Now that Tiger no longer spends so much time with Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley, they don’t know what to do with themselves. The old, bitter grouches of sports have taken to moaning about how they’d never take the easy way like LeBron.

This from the icon who became the laziest GM in the NBA (Jordan), and the TV jokester who often balks at TNT’s hardly-grueling schedule requests (Barkley). When LeBron was tirelessly developing his Twitter form, Barkley was dancing on bars in Lake Tahoe for the annual celebrity golf tournament that first exposed the world to the real Ben Roethlisberger.

It’s a small sports world, one where every major won by a Louis Oosthuizen and every news cycle dominated by a D-Wade makes one yearn for the return of a real superstar.

Bounce back soon, Tiger.

– Chris Baldwin covers the sports media for Metro

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