Patti Lupone is snatching wigs and taking names and I’m here for it.

If you don't know who Patti Lupone is, you better find out. And by that I mean: I’ll tell you. The 68-year-old is a Broadway icon, known for playing the role of Eva Perón in the original Broadway production of “Evita,” and Fantine in the orignal London production of “Les Misérables.” She is a seasoned, sassy professional from Long Island and she doesn’t suffer any fools, basically.

Anyway, Lupone went on “Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen” in support of her newest musical, “War Paint,” and she came for Madonna in one fell swoop.


It all started when a viewer called in to ask a question about Madonna’s performance as “Evita” in the 1996 film. “Did you and Madonna ever have a conversation about your two iconic performances as Evita?” the caller asked, innocently. So naive, this caller.

“Well,” Lupone paused. Mouth, perfectly lined with the reddest lip, agape. Clearly grasping for the best way to deliver the sickest of burns. “I saw [the song] ‘Buenos Aires’ and I thought it was a piece of s—t.” Damn, Patti, tell us how you really feel! “Madonna is a movie killer. She’s dead behind the eyes. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag. She should not be on film, or on stage. She’s a wonderful performer for what she does but she is not an actress. Bing!”

She also mentioned that Madonna has never had much to say to her, which may or may not be related to the fact that she cannot carry a movie to save her life. “The only thing that Madonna has ever said to me was ‘I’m taller than you.’ Bada bing!” Oh god, I love this woman.

The “War Paint” actress also noted that she wasn’t necessarily a fan of the film version of “Les Misérables,” but it’s only because nobody even knows how to properly film musicals anyway. “I’m gonna be honest, the only person who knows how to do musicals on camera is Rachel Bloom on ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.’ What I saw with 'Les Miz' — I didn’t see 'Les Miz' after I left it, I’m too close to it to go see it — but when I saw [parts of the film version of] Les Miz, I thought, ‘Why the hell are they doing close ups of these people?’” she asked, very much rhetorically. “You were seeing the snot, you were seeing down their throat, you weren’t seeing the scene that perptuated the emotion for the song."

Okay, so I guess what I’m saying, is… Patti Lupone for president? 

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