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Paris Hilton, an artifact of the early aughts, would like to make a comeback

Dear god, please no.

For some reason, Paris Hilton is trying to make a comeback. Can’t we leave 2006 where it belongs?

Conrad’s older sister sat down for an entire profile with W Magazine where she literally combs through the besmirched wreckage of the early aughts. Seriously. She legitimately forages through “the depths of one of the many closets in her Beverly Hills mansion,” and dusts off the carcasses of her bedazzled Blackberry and a gold Razr flip phone.

Then she takes credit for being what the magazine unironically calls “the matriarch of the modern phenomenon” of taking selfies. Excuse me while I have a five minute long eye rolling spasm. “If a beeper had a camera, I would have taken a selfie with it. I think I have a selfie from when I was a little kid, like on a disposable camera.”

The 36-year-old, however, is wary of the monster she created. She may well be the mother of the modern invention of being famous for no real reason, but now she’s looking down on young millennials because they just don’t get it, you know? “Nowadays, I feel like it’s so easy becoming famous,” Hilton said, shrugging. “Anybody with a phone can do it.”

Hilton goes into detail about the hard, backbreaking work of being the iconic woman who made velour suits a thing, even though nobody asked for them to be a thing. “To now see things on the runway, and to see girls wearing things that I used to wear is really cool because nobody really dressed like me back in the day….Young people now see what people wore before and want to bring it back.”

You see, what Hilton was doing back in the day was art, okay? And now, much like her old Razr, she is just an artifact of a more innocent time. These days, young people don’t take celebrity-for-no-reason seriously. Not like her, anyway. The performance of inhabitating the character Paris Hilton is the role of a lifetime — and one that the former “Simple Life” star takes very seriously.  “I never really do anything out of character,” she tells the magazine. “I’m always real.”

She’s real all right. A real case of being rich and terribly out of touch.

Cool profile, though.