Snip snip. This episode of “Girls” opens with a haircut. Hannah tells Adam she’s a lot better at this when she’s not in the middle of an obsessive compulsive meltdown. She might be stable now, but Adam has another problem on his hands: His crazy sister Caroline (played by a pitch-perfect Gaby Hoffman) needs to crash with them after her boyfriend kicked her out. Caroline assures them she’s not going to stay for very long, and Adam says he’s glad: “Get lost.” But Caroline insists she has to stay because she has no job since schools discriminate against “young, beautiful teachers” like herself. Adam reminds her that she tried to euthanize their grandma last time she stayed with him. Hannah politely tries to kick Caroline out but ends up inviting her to her birthday party after Caroline shows off the bruises all over her thighs.
Marnie’s super embarrassing, cringeworthy, autotuned music video comes back from the dead on YouTube and she refuses to ask Charlie to take it down because she doesn’t want to talk to him.
Hannah’s parents show up to… pay for her 25th birthday party, and Hannah’s dad is wearing a jaunty hat. They tell Hannah she looks great and Marnie tells them Hannah could look this good every day if she just tried! Laird is there with a mystery gift, and Shoshanna and Jessa are there as well — Shoshanna reminds the three of them how incredible it is that they’ve managed to get so little done in the past four years. Everybody wants to see Marnie’s old music video and Shoshanna starts reading the comments out loud until Marnie stops her.
Caroline is twirling around Ray with some of the craziest moves we’ve seen since “Pulp Fiction,” but he won’t oblige her. She bites his arm, hard, and giggles and dances the rest of the night away. It’s shaping up to be a pretty bad night for Ray when he starts talking to a stranger who is at the bar because Shoshanna asked him to come. Soon enough, Ray sees Shoshanna in front of the bar, and they make small talk; he brags about how well he’s doing. After some word vomit, he sighs and tells her he can’t be friends with her and tells her to enjoy her life before walking back into the bar.
David, Hannah’s book publisher, shows up to the bar and Adam thinks he’s Edward Norton. He passively aggressively chews out Hannah for not inviting him and then tells her he’s only there because some twink flaked out on him. David asks for still water and an Internet-enabled device and downloads Grindr onto Hannah’s phone.
Marnie makes an announcement in the bar’s garden and tries to force Hannah into singing “Take Me or Leave Me” from “Rent” even after Hannah explicitly tells her she doesn’t want to sing. Hannah is not amused, though Jessa sure is.
Ray starts trouble with David (or “the poor man’s Anderson Cooper,” as Ray calls him) after David makes the DJ change Ray’s song to “Sexy and I Know It.” Ray shouts at him, “It’s not fair to end things in the middle,” clearly alluding to more than the song and finally David screams, “And now I have grown weary of you!” and throws Ray across the bar and punches him in the face. The fight interrupts Hannah and Marnie’s duet and the audience runs in to watch the far more interesting show. Only Laird stays to watch Marnie finish the song.
Hannah and Adam leave the bar, and Adam gives Hannah a gift: his tooth on a piece of string. “My genetic material,” he brags. Hannah loves it and the two go home for a make-out session when Hannah walks into the bathroom to see Caroline in just a T-shirt and a bush bigger than Jeb. She smashes a glass in her hand and Hannah and Adam bandage her up and take care of her. Sex is now off the table and Hannah’s birthday is ruined yet again.
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