Hannah is starstruck at David Pressler-Goings’ funeral: She even spots Zadie Smith. “Calm down, kid, it’s a funeral,” says Adam. Hannah meets David’s … wife! Annaliese is inconsolable and doesn’t seem to mind that Hannah is so surprised he has a wife. Annaliese tells Hannah that David was so proud of her for overcoming her obesity and Tourette’s. Hannah tells her she never had Tourette’s and, “I always thought of myself more as chubby” in regards to the Tourette’s. David’s assistant insists that Annaliese has the wrong writer.
Adam tells Hannah, “I thought you said he was gay,” to which Hannah responds that David had gay apps and liked to show his ankles, “But what does that even mean in this day and age?” Indeed. Adam wants to leave but Hannah tells him she won’t go until she rubs elbows with Michiko Kakutani. Hannah approaches Annaliese and strikes up a conversation and when she tells Annaliese she never knew David had such a beautiful wife, Annaliese says, “You thought he was gay,” and they argue back and forth with Hannah saying, “No,” “I didn’t” and finally, “I thought he wanted to sleep with me.” Annaliese admits that David was gay – sometimes, at least. Then she drops a bomb: Milstreet has dropped all of David’s projects. Of course, Hannah’s response is to say, “So my book is dead?” and then she asks Annaliese if she knows anyone who can pick up the book. Annaliese asks if she gives Hannah a name, if she’ll “get the f– out of here.” Hannah says yes.
Jessa is talking Shoshanna’s ear off but Shosh is stressed and really needs to study because her “recent hijinks have really taken a toll on [her] GPA.” It’s very important to her 15-year plan to study now, she explains. Jessa asks her what happens after the 15 year plan. “It would be, like, insane to think about that,” snaps Shoshanna.
Hannah sets up a meeting with a new publisher and when she gets off the phone, Adam and Caroline are ripping each other’s heads off in the kitchen because Caroline almost ate Adam’s last eggs. Hannah, in her horrifically unflattering lizard-print belly shirt tells them they need to work it out.
Jessa is on the e-cigarette trend, of course, and she explains to Shoshanna that she’s trying to improve herself. She sees a help wanted sign at a children’s clothing store and applies for a job there.
Back at Hannah’s, Caroline and Adam are arguing about who is more aimless. Caroline points out that Adam was a carpenter one week and an actor the next. Adam hits back by bringing up the time Caroline faked an accent and moved to Montana to be a midwife. “It was a DOULA,” says Caroline. As they continue to argue, Caroline says the reason why Adam is so hostile to her is because he lusts for her. Hannah says this goes into the category of things you should never say to anyone ever. Adam and Caroline wrestle in an inadvertently sexual way but finally resolve their issues to some extent. Marnie calls Hannah and asks her to come meet her new kitten but Hannah is in the middle of mediating Adam and Caroline’s confrontation, so she declines.
The new book publisher tells Hannah she’s like Mindy Kaling, but she takes it there, and then takes it even further. Every time her assistant Moe says anything she gives him the death stare, except when Moe asks, “What’s your brand?” Hannah says her brand is Tombstone pizza. Moe jokes that Hannah is like Kathy Griffin on truth serum and the editor rolls her eyes, “What the f– is truth serum, Moe?” The meeting goes well, though, and the editor and her assistant laugh at everything Hannah says, though Moe does get chided for laughing too much. The editor even tells Hannah she wants to print Hannah’s book for real, not just in e-book form.
Marnie shows up on Ray’s doorstep and walks into his apartment and promptly begins insulting it. Ray asks her why she’s there and Marnie says she wants Ray to give her a consultation on what’s wrong with her. He tells her she’s a huge phony, but an insecure phony, which makes it easier not to hate her. Naturally, Marnie is extremely defensive and Ray apologizes. They hug it out, and then bang it out.
Hannah is treating herself to an ice cream cone when her dad calls her. He mentions to her that he had a procedure done and when Hannah tells him about the new publisher, her dad has some bad news: The old publisher owns the rights to her book. She doesn’t ask him what the procedure is and instead starts yelling at her dad for discouraging her.
Marnie is leaving Ray’s apartment when Ray asks her to keep their tryst on the down-low. She glares at him. “Like I’d advertise this,” she says.
Hannah realizes her father is right and tells Caroline the bad news. Caroline is sympathetic, but tries to find a silver lining. Hannah freaks out her and tells her there’s nothing left to write about. Caroline keeps trying to cheer Hannah up and says, “I feel your pain,” exacerbating the situation. Hannah kicks her out of the apartment. She tells Adam that she kicked out Caroline because she was ruining their lives and she just wants Adam to be happy. Adam gets angry and storms out as Hannah pretends to sleep.
Follow Andrea Park on Twitter: @andreapark