In a stellar example of how technology is furthering civilization as we know it, iFart — an application that allows you to play a variety of realistic sounding “farts” on your iPhone or iPod has become one of Apple’s top 20 selling mobile applications. iBeer, an application that makes it look like you’re drinking a beer out of your phone is also in the top 20.
Now, in another civilization-advancing moment, Apple has released Passion, an iPhone application that allows you to measure how good you are in bed. The software gives ratings from “bad” to “perfect” based on three criteria — duration, measured by the phone’s timer; orgasm, measured via microphone; and activity, measured via motion sensor. Afterwards, you can upload your score from one to 10 and see how you measure up.
I realize Passion is meant as a novelty (at $5 a pop, I’m sure its creator Chris Alvares is laughing all the way to the bank) that will undoubtedly spawn lots of fake-orgasm contests, possibly over too many rounds of iBeer, so I won’t get all serious about how this app perpetuates ideas about what good sex is — louder, longer, more acrobatic … really? — or that good sex is all about “scoring” but surely Apple could come up with something more useful. Here are some iPhone apps I’d like to see:
AMiREADY? Allows you to punch in pros and cons for why you should or should not sleep with someone and cross references this with reasons you’ve regretted sleeping with someone in the past as well as “what if” scenarios if you do sleep with the person to come up with a “yes” or “no” answer.
iNTHEMOOD Several apps let you customize your music but this one allows you to plug in the circumstances of your sexual encounter — first time, quickie, longie, etc. — and programs music accordingly, based on your taste.
iSEXTIPS Rather than monitor how long or loud you are, this app gauges the authenticity of your partner’s moans and, if it detects fake arousal, feed tips into an earpiece to help you figure out how to really turn him or her on.
iDATEESCAPE A preprogrammed phone call or text comes in when a certain pre-determined phrase is uttered during a date that isn’t going well.
iDATECORRECT Based on professional dating advice and your own dating history, this app causes your phone to vibrate (you’ll want to keep it in a pocket so your date isn’t suspect) any time you screw up. Pre-rehearsed recoveries can then be employed in an attempt to salvage the date.
iLOCATEADATE Much like some programs that allow you to locate listings for restaurants and bars based on your current location, this app will locate good local places to meet people, based on ambience, demographics and your dating preferences.
• Saudi TV says no to sex. Read more at Josey Sexcetera blog at www.metronews.ca/blog
– Josey Vogels is a sex and relationship columnist and author of five books on the subjects. For more info, visit www.joseyvogels.com.