Q: Jill, I think my husband is having an affair.
About six months ago a new woman joined his team at work. Since then they’ve been inseparable: Constantly working on projects together, having late nights and even attending conferences together.
I’m not trying to be a nag but I just have a gut feeling that something is going on. We barely have time for one another yet as soon as his BlackBerry goes off he jumps and I just know it’s her.
What should I do? I’ve even been wondering if some of these conferences have been covers. I’ve got a good feeling to call his workplace and do some snooping around. What do you think? Thanks so much for your help, Jill.
– Suspicious Wife Downtown
A: While I can totally understand your frustration, I would definitely advise against playing detective at his workplace. Should your suspicions be misplaced, the last thing you want to do is bring both of your personal lives into the workplace. That’s like giving “gossip” the keys to your front door!
I’ve always been one to go with my gut instinct (especially a persistent one). Sometimes it leads you in the wrong direction but completely ignoring it (especially if it’s bringing along its friend “solid evidence” with it!) can bring you a lifetime of what ifs, if onlys and I should haves.
Your suspicions could very easily be true. However, your first and best step is to address these with him directly. Give him the benefit of the doubt by hearing his story. Express sincerely and candidly the reasoning behind your beliefs and ask him how he might interpret things if he were in your position.
Now be prepared for any reaction. Regardless of whether or not he is cheating he will likely be upset and in disbelief that you’d even bring this to him. Theatrics aside however, what you’ll be really looking for is his plan of action following your talk. Do things change or do they stay the same? Are you made out to be the delusional wife, or is there some empathy and responsibility expressed on his part?
It sounds like there have been issues between you two well before the new woman at work, but I do hope these starter suggestions of mine will help you or at least prompt you to discuss these with a licensed relationship/marriage counsellor. In any regard you know what you are worth and you shouldn’t have to settle for anything less, regardless of the circumstances.
Best of luck to you both.