1 Mad world: A group of musicians including Eminem and Gaga are shooting a video in support of famine relief in Somalia. In London, hundreds gather in support of iPads and flat-screen TVs.
2 Who’s zooming whom?: Canada’s largest trading partner now has bad credit, and it reminds me of the time I drove my Altima to co-sign for my brother’s new Porsche. Hey Stephen Harper, now might be a good time to buy Hawaii.
3 Sports metaphor: The NBA has locked players out pending revisions to the collective bargaining agreement, but their leverage is dwindling as stars like Kobe and LeBron consider playing in China. And they say life imitates art? Let’s just hope they get paid in yen.
4 That’s the spirit: It’s Spirit Week in Winnipeg, and commuters get to ride the “Spirit buses” for free, explore the city’s core, and see live musical performances. Consequently, a ride on Toronto transit is just as fun. Last week, I saw a guy talk to himself in two languages he didn’t understand, a lady who believed she controlled the subway doors with her mind and a Jerry Garcia-looking dude playing air violin. Now that’s entertainment!
5 Hospital-ity: A story in the Montreal Gazette pronounced that Canadians live longer and healthier lives than Americans, while paying less for health care. I have always maintained that it is cheaper to be insulted by frustrated, underpaid nurses in Canada than just about anywhere.
6 Johnny’s Drama: The final season of Entourage is underway, and rumour has it they’re taking their antics to the big screen. Executive producer Mark Wahlberg says he’s even willing to fund it himself, which makes me think, “I’d really like to be friends with Mark Wahlberg.”
7 Boob tube: This week began a new season of Bachelor Pad, proving that there is always an audience for lowliness. The 20 minutes I did watch took me through a range of emotions from shame to melancholy, but ultimately left me feeling much better about myself. Maybe they’re on to something.
8 Clap on. Clap off: The B.C. government developed a website, InSpot.org, that lets promiscuous citizens send anonymous emails telling sexual partners that they have been exposed to an STI. They’re keeping it simple for now, but eventually they will have creative greetings like, “I know you’re a vegetarian. Sorry about the crabs,” or “Merry Christmas. This card entitles you to 15 per cent off antibiotics.” With news like this, the jokes just write themselves.
9 Money for nothin’: This year’s Teen Choice Awards were like a remix of Duck Sauce’s Barbara Streisand song. The same names uttered repeatedly to a beat like, “Boom, Boom … Justin Bieber. Boom, Boom … Taylor Swift. Boom, Boom … Selena Gomez.” The Situation was upset he lost the award for male reality star to friend Pauly D. Why is this even a category? You acquire outrageous fortune with no talent and less than half a brain, and we should give you an award?