Today is my final column. In a few weeks I’ll start my first charge as a United Church of Canada minister. It’s the practice of my church to assign new pastors to churches that can’t otherwise attract a minister. Usually, this is because these places can’t offer perks such as, I don’t know, proximity to a major city … indoor plumbing … protection from wolves. All I can say is, a spiritual life is not for sissies.
Last week I invited readers to send in questions on … just about anything. Here’s a sampling:
One reader asked, “How can I stop worrying?” Remember, worrying is the Spanx® of the emotional spectrum. You feel like you’re doing something to address the problem but really, you’re not. Why bother?
Daniel wrote, “Can you tell me about your ex-husband?” I call Michael “The nicest guy you could hope to be divorced from.” I think the reason we’re friends now is that, when we split, we tried hard to share the kids with each other, but not our anger and disappointment. It made all the difference.
Yasmeen asked, “How can I get rid of the squirrels in my attic?” There’s nothing more annoying than trying to sleep while squirrels are enjoying intimate relations above your head. It just reminds you of how much more of that rodents get than we do. And, yes, Yasmeen, I know a 99.9 per cent effective method of squirrel removal. Collect some TNT, a burlap sack and a rocket launcher and message me back.
Samantha wants to know how to get people to stop feeding pigeons and how to deal with the pigeon eggs on her balcony. I would ask, are the people feeding the pigeons directly below your balcony? And, are you a decent aim?
Lorraine asked, “What’s your philosophy of life?” I’m with the Buddhists, who say life is a constant round of building up and falling away, building up and falling away. Our task is to become as comfortable with the falling away as we are with the times of building. So, when I find myself at a crossroad in life, or feeling that everything I’ve built is “falling away” I sit back, open myself to the universe and repeat this mantra, “Ohmygodnoooooooooooooo!” at the top of my lungs. So far, this hasn’t helped much. But then, life is a work in progress, isn’t it?
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And thanks to all. I’ve loved sharing your Monday mornings!
Anne Hines is an author and humour writer. She has written three novels and one collection of nonfiction humour.
