This was the mother of all news weeks.
1. Kindergarten Kaukus: Among Jack Layton’s newly elected MPs: 19-year-old Pierre-Luc Dusseau, the youngest elected MP in the history of the nation, who would not have been old enough to vote before 1970. He is joined in the House by Ruth-Ellen Brousseau, 27, elected in a francophone riding even though she doesn’t speak much French and spent a good part of the campaign in Vegas, baby. Thus begins the shortest political honeymoon ever.
2. Osama pictures: OK, is this guy really dead or what? Doubting Thomases of the world unite! Show us the pictures! This is probably just a stunt by that other Arab, Obama whats-his-name, to distract us from the real scandal: He was obviously born in Africa or is an alien or something.
3. Royal wedding: Kate and William cost the U.K. five billion to 10 billion pounds in lost productivity because of all those bewitched Brits. Of course, the $3.3-billion in royal chachkas almost made it a wash. If you’re already sick of the whole thing, hold onto your stomach as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are going to Hollywood after they finish the tour of the provinces this summer. Can’t wait.
4. The Naughty Bishop: Canada’s creepiest cleric, his former eminence Raymond Lahey, confessed to a fatal attraction for young males, even though his church is opposed to homosexuality, pederasty, and various other mortal sins of that ilk. Lahey is so overcome by Catholic guilt he’s eager to go to jail even before formal sentencing. Whatever his maxima culpa, you can bet he won’t be declared a saint like John Paul II right after he dies. Or ever, for that matter.
5. The seal hunt: Along with the darling buds of May, it’s that time of year when Newfoundlanders go out on the ice to prove their manhood by clubbing cute cuddly seals to death. And, just as inevitably, it’s time for PETA to round up a bunch of celebrities to bitch about the seal hunt. This year it’s Iggy Pop, who just looks as if he’s been clubbed to death, and Ke$ha (seals are, like, our friends) who are featured on posters that say: Canada’s Club Scene Sucks!
6. 50th anniversary of the Freedom Riders: A little token dignity in a sea of nonsense.
7. Michael Ignatieff: It was all just a dream Zsuszanna. There’s no place like academia.
8. Gilles Duceppe: Bloc Québécois leader will collect a pension of $140,765 from the Canadian people for the rest of his life. Merde.
9. Why are we in Libya?
10. Bieber watch: Australian teen arrested for throwing eggs at Justin Bieber. Because he missed?