I don’t watch for the awkward high-school love stories. Tell me who murdered those bitches, already! Let’s recap by way of Q&A.
Q: when Ali goes back to school, will she still call nerds”Gayrons”?
A: at least not at first. She’s determined, or so she says, to right the mean-girl wrongs of her past. She makes a few apologies, convinces a few nerds, and even gets Emily to kiss her.
Q: someone else is gay on the show and it’s not Spencer?
A: I know I know: they’re dressing Spencer in wigs and lumberjack clothes, like she’s some combination of drag-king and -queen, but as far as I can tell, she’s still hot for Toby. That doesn’t mean Ali is for real, though. On her way home the night before, she was followed/stalked, and ran into the spooky, empty church to hide, and–
Q: wait, what? Has she never seen a horror movie?
A: she is a horror movie. Anyway, inside, Mona ambushes her, threatening to publicize what happened in New York if Ali doesn’t leave town. It escalates. Mona slaps. Ali slaps back, and says she can bring “Loser Mona” back. Mona was recording the exchange, though, and cut together a Bad Ali montage, which she showed everyone at school.
Q:was the ambush a group effort?
A: Ali thinks is no coincidence that the rest of the Liars were busy that night. New Girl Cindy gets Paige and Emily to come to a Glee Club sponsored “Frozen” singalong.
Q: has the actor who playsPaige seen “Frozen”?
A: no: she pronounced the main character’s name “Anna” instead of “Ahna”.
Q: so the director hasn’t seen it either?
A: listen, Aria was occupied too, by Jenna, who swung by to let Aria pity her, which Aria only wanted to do because she feels guilty for killing Shana, even though Ezra told her to “let it go.”
Q: did he sing that line, like Elsa?
A: Sadly, no. Anyway, Hanna was also indisposed — by Lucas, who made her come to a party to meet his girlfriend who never showed up.
Q: is Lucas a villain in a Superman movie?
A: I know, that beard is so…
Q: the one on his face or the fake girlfriend?
Q: also, what is a Gayron?
A: I’d assumed it was a low-nanometer wave of light, but one of the Liars said it’s just short for “gay moron”, so in fact it’s a portmanteau.
Q: “nanometer”? “Portmanteau”? What a Gayron…
Q: did Dad Hastings kill Mrs. D?
A:Spencer still thinks so — especially after her mom removes her from school to run away with her. Mom discovered that, on the night Mrs. D was murdered, Dad and sister Melissa lied about being at a diner. Mom seems to be less annoyed that Dad might have killed her, than that he involved Melissa.
Q: but Melissa’s the one who even told Dad, in Season 4,that Spencer didn’t kill the girl in Ali’s grave, so wasn’t she already involved?
A: yes — it’s also possible that Mom killed both women,is now on the lam, and thought Spencer was also prepared to run from the law, since she’s clearly wearing a wig.
Q: seriously what’s up with her hair?
Q: will this season go on being boring forever?
A: no — A is back (thank god…for me…I feel terrible for them). The episode ends with a major explosion that rocks the cul de sac: the Cavanaugh house explodes.
Q: isn’t there an an ’80s hit called “Rock the Cul de Sac”?
A: you’re thinking of the Clash.
Q: who blew up Jenna’s spot?
A: we’ve got loads of new suspects. Jenna, Mona, andNew girl Cindy were seen colluding at the picnic table.Also someone in a hoodie rented an apartment to put all those creepy dollhouses in. Plus there’s the other great distractor from earlier in the episode, Lucas.
Q: what about Toby? He distracted Spencer that night.
A: good point.
Q: well, who’s not in on it?
A: Bethenny Young — police identified the dead girl stuffed into the DiLaurentis’s gazebo.
Not only is Jenna back, but so is Caleb (who still hasn’t said if he’s a ghost…then again right afterHanna sees him at the Brew, he yells at some loud jocks and then disappears), and so is Ezra and Aria’s relationship, andof course, Lucas’s beard is back too — sure, it’s only been gone since last week, but I seriously hoped I’d never see it again.