Sadly, I now own a cellphone - Metro US

Sadly, I now own a cellphone

I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated. For the first time, I own a cellphone.

Frequent reader(s) will know I resisted cell ownership for a long time. I’d watched my friends and how it changed them, making them more machine than man, twisted and evil.

One friend would walk with his head buried in his iPhone, never looking up for anything short of a natural gas explosion. I trust the weather app saved him from the trouble of ever having to look at the sky.

Another boasted at how people complimented her on her nifty fold-in keyboard. It was like her phone was a lame stand-in for a new car, similar to when childless women talk incessantly about their fascinating and never tiresome cats.

A third friend accidentally flushed her phone down an automatic toilet, which was amusing enough, but it lost its humour as she fretted that her friends might think she’s dead. Every time a new person would arrive she’d grab them by the shoulders and scream “I FLUSHED MY CELLPHONE DOWN THE TOILET” with the same intensity one normally saves for explaining that Soylent Green is people.

In short, people seemed to see their phones as less a useful tool and more a necessity of roughly the same importance as their pancreas.

And as a word lover, it was hard to see people strip perfectly good vowels from words, not to mention lying about how much they are laughing and/or rolling on the floor.

So I went cell-less and, as time passed, I came to enjoy being seen as an outsider. Friends acted like I hadn’t received my polio shots – “You NEED one!” – but I just couldn’t see it. I had no reason to have a cell phone.

But then, a realization: As I removed the usual dozen unheard messages from my landline – all hang-ups from shady ‘businesses’ – it occurred to me for the first time: I had no reason to have a landline.

Nobody ever called me, thanks to email, and I was getting so many spam calls that when it did ring I wouldn’t answer.

So I’m now the proud owner of a fancy-schmancy cell phone – I use it as a GPS, videogame console, weight-tracker, and excuse to avoid people on public transit.

It was a hard decision to join the pack, but I’ve satisfied my need to be different by also cancelling my Wi-Fi at home, which I found just kept me from my work.

See? IMHO, I’m still an outsider! ROTFLMAO! (pls kill me)

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