Poll 10 “normal” people and you’ll find their New Year’s resolutions are rather mundane and basic. Get more organized, drink less soda, go to the gym.
For multimillionaire athletes, New Year’s resolutions are a much more daunting task. Do I go with something general that is attainable (be less of a jerk, less insufferable, get arrested fewer times) or something specific that is absolutely necessary (Brett Favre: No texting anyone other than my wife) to salvage a life/marriage/family?
So I polled athletes* to find out their New Year’s resolutions:
» Plaxico Burress, former NFL wide receiver: I’ll continue to work out in jail and become pen pals with Tony Dungy. That’s how Vick made his comeback.
» Rex Ryan, Jets coach: Make my wife wear socks.
» Tiger Woods, golfer: No more dalliances with waitresses — Vegas or Perkins. It’s all about Moons over My Hammy at Denny’s, and golf, golf, golf.
» Blake Griffin, L.A. Clippers: Three dunks a game, minimum.
» Greg Oden, Portland Trail Blazers: Find something else to do while I’m injured besides snapping pictures of my junk.
» Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets: I will stop holding three franchises hostage and make my decision on where I’ll play next season on July 1.
» Les Miles, LSU football coach: No more eating grass.
» Rafael Palmeiro, former baseball player: I will not discuss the Hall of Fame under any circumstances, because yes, I was a giant fraud, I cheated and whatever happens, I’m cool with it. Really, who wants to look like a whiny clown like Bert Blyleven?
» Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller, actors: Just stop. Stop it right now.
»John Wall, Washington Wizards: Add a new dance move because that little wrist move and the Dougie won’t last forever.
* — not really
Get your game back, ladies
There’s nothing worse than tuning in to the Australian Open only to see the two most marketable stars knocked out in the opening rounds.
» Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic, tennis players: Continue to drive the boys wild with our looks but drive the women crazy on the court. Ya know, actually being competitive in majors. Maybe take notes from Caroline Wozniacki?
» Michelle Wie, golfer: I will stop talking about and attempting to compete on the PGA Tour and focus on getting my yearly victory on the LPGA tour. Also, I will focus on trying to win my first LPGA major (hasn’t had a top 10 finish since 2006).
» Ashley Harlan, apparently engaged to Ben Roethlisberger: Try to keep my man away from college bars down South. It’ll be tough considering he’ll want a drink badly after the Ravens shock the Steelers.
»Jenn Brown, ESPN sideline princess: Overtake Erin Andrews as the best, err, most recognized in the business. If this means having to endure bear hugs from Bruce Pearl, I’m totally up to the task.
–Jason Raj McIntyre covers athletes away from the field of play and runs the popular blog, TheBigLead.com
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