“Party at Jose’s House!!! Party at Jose’s House!!!
You bring the tequila, I’ll bring the syringes, Knobby’s got the HGH. Oh, and don’t tell your wife!
Apparently this is how Major League Baseball’s elite partied in the late ’90s. You remember the late ’90s right?
I mean you can just picture Chuck Knoblach and David Wells holding Jose Canseco up by his cargo shorts as he gets to 14 seconds on a keg stand while Mr. Vegas plays in the background.
Unfortunately for us, cell phone cameras and social media did not exist back then. So if you, say, bumped into Wade Boggs at a Tampa Hooters back in the day, unfortunately there is no other evidence than the grainy, bleu cheese-stained photo that remains on the wall of the men’s bathroom. Nothing for your own personal collection.
We are pretty sure that athletes party as hard today as they did back then. But now, save for Patrick Kane, they’re just smarter about it.
Nevertheless, this summer, warm up the record button on your iPhone, these guys could be right around the corner:
Paul Pierce
Party history:
Pierce has calmed down a ton since the early days of his career. And thankfully so.
But just last week, Metro reported him pounding Red Bulls and playing poker at a D-list Philadelphia casino, just hours after scoring 24 points against the Sixers.
He also used to hang out with Antoine Walker, exhibit W of how not to live your life as a multi-million dollar hoops star.
Matt Geiger
Party history:
Yup, finding the randoms are the best.
I once spotted Geiger smoking a gargantuan cigar on a random street corner while on spring break. He was all by himself, which would have been strange other than the fact that several hundred drunk 19-year-old girls were staggering up and down the street in front of him.
I somehow got him to talk about the 2000-01 blockbuster trade that he somehow ruined (he was non-apologetic), but all in all, Geiger seemed to be in a good place.
As 7-foot tall, bald, goateed white guys go, it sure appears that Geiger still doesn’t mind being the center of attention.
Stan Van Gundy
Party history:
Doesn’t Stan Van look exactly like the guy you somehow always end up next to at the beach, just because you don’t want to walk 10 feet further while lugging your 500-pound cooler?
You know it’s only a matter of time before large, hairy beach guy takes his shirt off and the sea gulls prepare to nest on his chest. Unfortunately for NBA fans who enjoy his sideline antics and beach goers everywhere, Stan Van will be out and about this summer after being fired Monday.
Curt Schilling
Party history:
Schilling has said in the past that he would throw a
few back in the clubhouse following a start. Those “few” Budweisers could become
“lots” of Busch Lights if things don’t start to pick up for his floundering video gamecompany, 38 Studios.
Jose Canseco
Party history:
We begin and end with Jose. What else is new?
It’s obvious that Canseco won’t last long in Worcester, Mass. (not exactly South Beach in the party scene category) as he tries his hand, again, at Quadruple-A league baseball.
In the least surprising news of the last 24 hours, Jose is now striking out with waitress’ at local restaurants. The summers never end in Worcester.
No love for Philly
Philadelphia sports was riding high last Friday night as the 76ers stunned the Celtics with an epic comeback win in Game 4 of their Eastern Conference semi-final series and Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon shut down his former ‘mates from Boston to earn the save.
And then, in the span of 72 hours, everything came crashing down.
First came word of Will “I’m not gay” Smith being kissed on the lips by a man and then Kevin Garnett called Philly fans “fair-weather” after the Celtics took Game 5 of the series.
Strangely enough, this all may have been sparked by Bobby Valentine’s bizarre hopping routine at Citizens Bank Park over the weekend.
