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You’re hungover AF. Now what?

‘Tis the season for nausea, headaches and soul-destroying pain.
You're hungover AF. Now what?
Photo credit: iStock.

If you’re like most Americans you’ll consume more alcohol over the next six weeks than in four entire calendar months. And Godspeed, friend. So long as you’re prepared for the aftermath of an office party gone wild, a family feast where they only thing to look forward to is the free-flowing wine or just a night of one too many Fireballs.

Your day may be blown, but there’re a few ways you can ease the pain. Most old wife’s tales don’t cut the mustard, but a few actually stand up to scientific reasoning. Let’s take a look (albeit a squinty one, and in a dark room — preferably under the covers) at some ways to cope with your post-party depression.

Hands-on helps, at least in the short term

You’ve known this to be a feel-good past-time since you were a teen. And now that you’re of age (and still in bed) you may as well administer some self-care.

We’re talking about masturbating.

When a person has an orgasm, their body has all sorts of chemical “WOW!” moments. Pain tolerance is elevated, physiological markers of stress and anxiety show huge drops, and a subsequent elation and sense of relaxation is the general consensus. So for quick relief from the ouch, get thyself off.

Be forewarned — the effects linger about as long as it would take for a one-night stand to gather up clothes and head out the door; generally speaking, you’re chemical levels will return to hurtsville in five to ten minutes. But wasn’t that nice?

Electrolytes

The big glass of water and Aspirin by the bedside may seem more civilized than a fluorescent fluid as bright as neon, but a sports drink will get you over the hump much faster than a tipple from the tap.

The sooner you replace the salt and potassium your body has lost to booze the better you’ll feel. There are several over-the-counter brands marketing themselves as hangover cures that are basically just Gatorade tablets, but you’re just as well off sipping the original, champ.

Eastern MMM-edicine

You’re body’s literally gagging for electrolytes and salt, per above, so if you’re not too sick to the stomach, feed the beast with broth. A spicy ramen, phởor even chicken noodle soup (with a few splashes of hot sauce) will help put your head back in the game.

Is your belly too bruised to even consider soup? Grab some ginger chews. Ginger settles the stomach and will help prime the pump for future food.

Marijuana

If you’re already a fan, living in a state where it’s legal or have a prescription for the stuff, you already know that pot works wonders on pain, and also inspires appetite. (Hey, even without the hall pass you may also be aware of the effects of weed on the body.) So if you have the luxury of taking it easy on your recovery day, marijuana will take the edge off, and also help you get more of what works the absolute best as a cure: Taco Bell sleep. 

Walk it off

Ugh. The absolute last thing you want to do when feeling like a dumpster fire is work out. But the endorphin lift from a brisk walk al fresco has both the restorative powers of brain chemicals and oxygen, as well as the break from your family.

Be well, wine-o. We’re right there with you.