The Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Some Dude
Sweeping her off her feet, or whatever. Photo: Getty Images

Last night, “The Bachelorette” premiered featuring Rachel Lindsay, the series first black lead. As a newcomer to the show, I was all like, “Is this for real?” Turns out, yes. It is!

 

There were some standouts, and there’s no denying these guys are hot. There’s a dude that looks like Disney's Prince Eric, OK? Like Prince Eric made real and aged up, having matured and come to grips with his interspecies marriage (he and Ariel are divorced now, that’s why he’s on "The Bachelorette." Duh). There are the requisite sob stories! Tons of dudes that look like, “Wait, what have I gotten myself into?” Oh, and lots of creeps. Things are definitely going to get vaguely racial! All in all, an enjoyable bit of television.

 

Here are the most WTF moments from the two-hour premiere:

 

We need to talk about AJ
Adam brought along with him AJ, a mannequin and/or voodoo doll missing its pins. It was really creepy. And Rachel didn’t love it, saying “He scares me. I have a thing with dolls.” We all do now, honey!

For some reason, perhaps because “The Bachelorette” is low-key a horror series, AJ — who again has poorly drawn Sharpie marks for eyes — got some confessional time. Turns out he only speaks French. Meet the 32nd bachelor, everybody!

 

Is it me, or does this guy look like Richard Spencer?
Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer is a bad dude. Blake E. is one of the bachelors that got a lot of air time — perhaps because he made his entrance with a marching band. Also he talks about his penis a lot and maybe has a sex addiction. Do they look alike? Kind of! It’s disconcerting.

Rachel has her first kiss
Rachel has her first kiss with kind of hottie, Bryan. His whole thing is that he is Colombian and fluent in Spanish and boy, it’s taking him far. I personally would prefer him to be spending his time with Rachel working through the subjunctive, but hey. Despite being black and named Rachael, I’m not the Bachelorette!

The thing about this kiss is that it’s not cute. It’s very, “Wait, what’s happening here?” He’s an aggressive kisser, and you can tell the tip of his tongue is grazing her larynx. They make out like hungry vampiric teenagers. Rachel says she enjoyed it which, I don’t know. Maybe I’m confused about what joy looks like these days. But she did give him the First Impression Rose, so I digress.

 

Rachel chooses *NSYNC over Backstreet Boys
WTF?! I mean, maybe it’s the right decision. *NSYNC had more hits, but Backstreet Boys have more songs that play in your local grocery store.

The most obnoxious man in the 48 contingent states, Lucas
I’m saving the absolute worst for last. Lucas is a (probably contractual) nightmare. I am very convinced that he will make some woman very unhappy one day, and that woman will not be Rachel. He comes with a catchphrase, “Whaboom!” that is alarmingly uncomfortable to watch. Especially when he’s doing it over and over again.

His memorable introduction to Rachel is telling her that one of his testicles is longer than the other. Charming! Also he literally creeps around and has the efficacy of a late season “The Real World” villain, so fingers crossed he leaves sooner rather than later.