On Sunday night, Miley Cyrus performed her new single “Malibu” for ther first time at the 2017 Billboard Music Awards. It was emotional, or something! According to E! News, she choked up while singing the last verse of the song — which is about her fiance Liam Hemsworth. On writing the song, the 24-year-old told Billboard, “They’re going to talk about me if I come out of a restaurant with Liam. So why not put the power back in my relationship and say, ‘This is how I feel?’”
Okay, that’s fine, girl. It’s nice that you and Liam are back together after you broke up in 2013 and briefly made yourself into a modern-day court jester.
But why, exactly, did the pop star transform herself from twerking nincompoop to virginal country crooner?
In the same interview with Billboard, Cyrus said that she broke up with Liam because she just like, needed to transform herself or whatever. “I needed to change so much. And changing with someone else not changing like that is too hard. Suddenly, you’re like, ‘I don’t recognize you anymore.’ We had to refall for each other.”
Okay, but what about your horrible horrible twerking on Robin Thicke, dressed in Beetlejuice’s finest? What about that Dead Petz tour, which featured you in a unicorn outfit with a strap-on phallus? What about all the pain and embarrassment and ‘Oh, God is she still doing this?’ that you put us through!?
“I like talking to people that don’t agree with me, but I don’t think I can do that in an aggressive way,” she says. “I don’t think those people are going to listen to me when I’m sitting there in nipple pasties, you know?” I do know!
“I f—ing hate it when people can’t adjust,” she admitted to the mag. “I used to [resist changing]. But I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks, which is the longest I’ve ever [gone without it]. I’m not doing drugs, I’m not drinking, I’m completely clearn right now! That was just something that I wanted to do.”
There you have it. That’s how Miley Cyrus became a drug-free, living hipster Virgin Mary figurine. Can’t wait for her next phase!