Turns out pirates aren’t so fun after all. If you’re the kind of horrible human being who illegally downloads big movies (and you shouldn’t be doing this, if big movies don’t make money then they won’t make them anymore), then you may be in luck: Copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” have reportedly been stolen by hackers. They in turn have blackmailed franchise owners Disney into paying a hefty ransom. If Disney fails to comply, the fifth “Pirates” movie will be dumped onto the information highway prior to its release next weekend.
Personally speaking, and to be perfectly frank, we don’t know why anyone would want to watch “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” either legally or not. The series was only fun when it started out, back in 2003, and mostly because Johnny Depp slipped a goofy, totally unexpected Keith Richardson impersonation into a bloated summer movie based on a theme park ride. Back then, Johnny Depp was still a god, which we don’t think he is anymore.
But what do we know? These movies have made all the money — even the last one, which we still haven’t bothered to see, despite the promise of Penelope Cruz wielding a saber. Still, even without the possibility of a leak, there’s always the chance that it might underperform. Last year’s Depp-led sequel “Alice Through the Looking Glass” seemed like a no-brainer, but it wound up grossing a pittance of the first, despite following up the 26th highest grossing movie ever.
And the leak could very well happen. A similar thing happened to the forthcoming season of “Orange is the New Black,” with Netflix refusing to pay a ransom to different pirates, who then went and dropped it online.
If the leak occurs, it would be a cruelly ironic fate. Here’s a series that paints pirates as fun and entertaining and goofy. And then real pirates come and show them the jerks they really are. Still, do you really need to watch a fifth “Pirates” movie anyway?