"I want to die in an arcade," Josh "The Fat Jew" Ostrovsky confesses while sitting in a nightmarish Chinatown video game arcade den with his left forearm plugged into an IV of what the nurse in attendance says is pure Vitamin C.
His publicist claims it's to help fight a cold, but The Fat Jew says he’s dying. I ask him if he's trying to be the center of a Lifetime movie: “The Fat Jew: Death in an Arcade.”
"Totally! Who would play me?" I suggest he play himself but the publicist suggests Diane Lane and Fat Jew's eyes widen with excitement. "DIANE LANE!" he exclaims.
More pizza, more respect
The Fat Jew will probably have to put the Lifetime movie on the back burner, because he's currently thinking way more about his new book, "Money Pizza Respect.”
The book is a mixed bag of autobiographical stories, some Kanye West and Kim Kardashian erotica, and recipes for things like a Xanax smoothie. According to The Fat Jew, the book has shuttled him to the same level as James Joyce and John Steinbeck.
"Money Pizza Respect" is a wild ride punctuated with chapters The Fat Jew called "Chill Zones" because according to him "reading can sometimes be too much."
"It's a lot. You need to break it up. You gotta chill," The Fat Jew explains. "You read a bunch and then you get rewarded by like coloring a picture of Tyrese [Gibson], or a recipe for a Xanax smoothie. I want to make this a party. You can't be too heavy."
Connecting emotionally with strippers
Asked what his real life chill zones are, The Fat Jew chuckles. "I like to go to Rick's Cabaret, this strip club, in the middle of the day. They do a great Caesar [salad]. I can kick back and relax. It's not too high octane. The dancers aren't giving it their all. They're very much like 'Uh I'm on the day shift'.... I don't even like lap dances. I would rather sit with a bunch of strippers and talk with them like 'Are you still going to dental school?' I just love chatting with strippers about their hopes and dreams."
But for those who've never been to a strip club before, he has a different suggestion: "Pumps in East Williamsburg. It's great. I once paid a girl $20 to do a bump of coke off her bullet wound scar."
Coke or molly?
In his book, The Fat Jew recommends not doing coke. "What kind of drug would you suggest for someone — not me — going to a wedding in Orange County, California next year?" I ask, as The Fat Jew looks in amazement at the IV in his arm.
"At that wedding everyone should probably just take molly.”
“So no coke? Just molly?” I double check one last time.
Kids' movies with Kanye
The Fat Jew and I shoot the s—t for another couple of minutes. It was a bouncy house of a conversation in which we debated heavy subjects like the size of Kim Kardashian’s areolas (he says they're dime-sized, I say they're huge), and what Kanye West would be like to watch “Despicable Me 2” with.
“I just feel like watching a movie like that with Kanye would be so fun,” The Fat Jew says with excitement. “I feel like he'd take it really seriously." I trust The Fat Jew on this one, because if there's anything he knows how to be, it's serious.
"Money Pizza Respect" is out Tuesday.
Matt Lee is a Web producer for Metro New York. He writes about almost everything and anything. Talk to him (or yell at him) on Twitter so he doesn’t feel lonely @mattlee2669.