Whip out those whips and chains. This weekend marks the premiere of “50 Shades Darker,” the second film in a trilogy on track toinadvertently becoming one of the best romantic comedies of our modern times (it is accidentally very hilarious). It’s a movie about a whole lot of things: possession, obsession, douchebag bosses and, for some reason, Rita Ora. “50 Shades Darker” doesn’t tell much of a story, but it does drop a world of knowledge on you.
What I’m saying is, you could learn a lot from this film. Before, I thought I knew what women wanted, as I considered myself a woman with wants, hopes and desires. But I was wrong. “50 Shades Darker” taught me anew. Read on to see what a strong, progressive, educated woman is apparently looking for.
A man that thinks that he owns you
Christian Grey, jerk billionaire with a kinky side, is always strutting around talking about, “You’re mine.” When another dude talks to his love interest, aspiring publisher Anastasia Steele, he’s all “He wants what’s mine.” Ana never corrects him. Because who has the time to be their own person anyway?
A lover that hacks your bank account
Christian calls his secretary and demands she put a large sum of money in Ana’s account. Ana asks how he has her bank information, but he never answers. All women want someone who knows all of their private, sensitive information. Bonus points if he can recite your Social Security Number by heart.
A rich b-hole
This film never lets you forget: Christian is rich AF. He’s a billionaire. He has his own helicopter. He makes $24,000 every 15 minutes. I mean, I don’t know if the math is right on that, but I do know that the thrilling combination of rich, conceited and absolutely clueless is like catnip for us ladies.
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A boyfriend who tracks your every move
An outsider might think that finding out that your boyfriend has a dossier on your comings and goings is creepy. But is it creepy to pay a photographer to follow a person you love? Maybe he just wants some nice pictures of you struggling to carry your groceries. Real women know it’s just a cool way of him showing he cares.
Side note: this film is apparently set up in an alternate dimension where social media doesn’t exist. It would be a lot easier for Christian to sensually stalk Ana if either of them had Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
A special someone who doesn’t know what birthdays are
Literal words out of Christian’s mouth: “They do this every year.” There’s something about a man who doesn’t understand the concept of aging that warms the cockles of a woman’s heart.
A guy who lives on the edge
At some point, Sir McBroods-A-Lot crashes his helicopter in Portland. Somehow, he gets home relatively unscathed, with just a gentle dusting of dirt on his cheekbones. That’s because ladies want a man who is at least half robot, and can’t actually get hurt. Human men, who needs ’em?
A beau with deep-seated mommy issues
He’s a sadist because he’s mad at his mom for dying from an overdose when he was four. It’s why he takes out his issues on white ladies with brown hair. What a dreamboat!
A sweetie who has a pommel horse in their personal gymnasium
Everyone knows gymnastics are the best part of the Olympics. Hello, Final Five! So naturally, women want a man who works out to the sweet sounds of The Police’s greatest hits and doesn’t break a sweat when practicing their gymnastic routine for an audience of one.
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A honey who appreciates cult classics
Christian has a poster for the long forgotten movie, “Chronicles of Riddick” on his wall. Nobody knows why, but it’s probably because he thinks he has really excellent taste in movies, which is false. Ladies love that!
A guy who only gets down with his pants on
This one is important, and I’ll be straight with you — for a movie that’s supposedly so scandalous, these two have very vanilla relations. I’m talking missionary sex on a regular ol’ bed. And Christian rarely manages to take his pants off, at all. Because during sexy times, all a woman wants is to feel scratchy polyester grazing against her skin.
As a reminder here’s the trailer. Just so you know what us ladies are all about.