Let us preface this by saying that drug addiction is no laughing matter, especially for the youth of America and especially as many states are battling an opioid epidemic.
But what is kind of laughable is a recent post on GetSmartAboutDrugs.gov in which the Drug Enforcement Administration gave suggestions to parents as to where their teen may be hiding their stash or “drug-filled baggies,” as the agency writes.
Yes, teens can be crafty when it comes to hiding things they don’t want the prying eyes of their parents to find, but some of the secret places the DEA suggested are a bit … archaic, to say the least.
For example, an alarm clock, which “can be used to hide illicit drugs; specifically, small baggies in the battery compartment alongside the batteries.” The DEA clearly doesn’t have any teenagers of its own because what teen today doesn’t use their cellphone as their alarm clock?
The battery compartment of your teen’s graphing calculator — is that even still a thing?! — is also a hot spot to hide wee amounts of drugs, the DEA said, so be suspicious if they’re keeping that calculator as close as their cellphone.
If your teen’s room is covered in posters, “you might want to run your fingers over that poster,” the DEA suggested, because small, drug-filled baggies could be flattened and taped behind them.
If your kid still has a beloved stuffed animal, that too could easily be a home for a secret stash. And if your teen is lucky enough to have a car, that has “a plethora” of places to hide drugs, including taped under the seats, behind the steering wheel and stored in the trunk, the DEA warns.
If your kid has an impressive collection of pens and highlighters, you should also be suspicious as tiny amounts of contraband can be hidden inside the caps and cartridge areas as well.
There are two suggestions the DEA made that we really can’t poke fun at. Kids could easily hide edible drugs, such as ecstasy or marijuana-laced items, in candy wrappers since they often look similar to actual candy.
They could also hide contraband in their shoes, so be sure to scope out their stinky old pairs of sneakers, which, if we’re dealing with a typical teen, could probably mask the scent of weed 10 times over.
Of course, if your teen is using drugs or you suspect they may be, or if you are a teen interested in getting help, GetSmartAboutDrugs.gov offers dozens of resources to find help.